Dear Dreary.
The nation's financial situation has recently become all too real for me. My employer, the BBC, has been cutting costs for some time, but only now has this hit home. I am contracted to them for several more series yet, before i finally retire, but they have pulled the carpet from under my feet and i find myself in need of some legal advice as i believe they are targetting me as a top earner. Can they get away with this? I am proud to say that my reputation goes before me + i am universally recognised as a leader in my field. Their orders are to save money by merging shows, so my own award-winning production team has been paired with BBC 4's The Sex Education Show, and, because of my previous experience in the animal field, I am to observe and commentate on the mating process. I was due to be filming the mating habits of Shackleton Emporer penguins in South Georia. Now,it seems, i will be doing the same in the company of Mr. and Mrs. Colin Hunt of Acacia Avenue Solihull. I am expected to make their drunken, unimaginative fumblings seem fascinating to the general public, to make them look attractive,and to give them, in short, the 'ahhh' factor. And believe me, the two of them are no Bradd and Angelina. This will be more like Mission Impossible. The two of them-both in their mid-forties- have now been married for fifteen child-free years.
Colin,at five feet four inches, is three stone overweight, has bad breath, and an unhealthy and somewhat lonely obsession with the local ladies rugby team. Coleen, slightly taller than her husband, is very much on the plump side, and could never be accused of being over-pretty. Think Miss Trunchbowl meets the Wicked Witch of The West. The mere thought of the two of them in bed together repulses me, but to have to watch and film their antics from a camouflage tent in the wardrobe whilst describing the precise ins and outs in a whispered tone, is surely a step too far for anyone. This will undoubtedly be the biggest challenge i've ever faced. Do you think i could have a case for constructive dismissal?
Yours, David Attenborough.


Dear Diddy.
Times are hard I'm afraid and you're just going to have to learn to adapt to your new surroundings.
Mind you, how the blazes you and your film crew are going to go unnoticed tramping around a two up two down is beyond me. I mean, what if someone catches you? What will you say?
You're sure to need a wide angle lens and be aware that if someone spots the boom mic it might need the hair dryer afterwards.
Are you to be filming any bathroom activity? It could be a tight squeeze for the camera man although a strange man dressed in rubber floating in your bath is bound to promote a feeling of
heightened sexual pleasure.
If you do get chased down the garden path by some irate husband don't get caught. If the authorities catch you 'Life' is what you'll probably get!
I'm having sex tonight by the way. I'll leave the front door key under the plant pot.
Dreary. x