Dear Dreary.
Do you know anything about employment law? I am considering a claim of constructive against my recent employer, Dreem Bathrooms.
Up until recently i was employed there as a toilet seat tester. I am a rather large lady and they apparently saw me as the ideal guinea pig. What attracted me was the healthy diet as i am trying to shed some of my 20 stone. In order to test as many seats as possible (and i had to clean them all myself!), i had to constantly drink water and eat only muesli, prunes, mixed nuts and seeds, and soft licquorice. Apart from the inevitable ringwurt, all went well for the first month. I lost 2 stone, i tested hundreds of seats, and as a result of my efforts, the company's top seller, the Thunderbox, achieved a world record straining weight.
But my talent dried up. My intestines refused to co-operate any further, the fruit no longer had any effect, and my new career slowly trickled away through my fingers. I received a letter from the company informing me that i was in breach of contract as i could no longer perform my duties. As i had nothing further to go on, and not having the stomach for a fight, i reluctantly accepted their judgement. I just felt so empty, but, even though i found it near impossible to get anything down on paper, i began to realise that my Dreem job had suddenly gone down the pan through no fault of my own, and that my employer's actions had put me on shit street.
Can you offer any advice? I feel like the bottom's fallen out of my world and the world's fallen out of my bottom.
Yours, Sue Wurr, Wookey Hole.

Dear Sue.
There's a job going at Boggs & Son down the high street next to the Charity shop and Pound World. It's not really a bathroom centre as people around here are unlikely to bathe however, ones and twos recognise no class boundaries. In short, everyone needs a shit!
To get you regular again you need to start consuming like the locals to 'get your bot ready for the pot'! So, breakfast usually starts with last nights pot noodle, a can of strong cider, a couple of e's and a spliff.
Carry on drinking through till dinner time where you can look forward to chips and curry sauce washed down with a bottle of lighter fluid, a bomb of whizz and another spliff.
You should have the munchies by this point so enjoy hearty helpings of cakes and sweets.
Your tummy should be rumbling by now and your new employers at Boggs should be eagerly anticipating your first test emissions. Still not quite there yet? Then tuck in to a local delicacy of fish fingers and another pot noodle, a bottle of sherry and another spliff. E's and whizz optional depending on whether your children have any money left in the piggy bank.
You're ready to go. If that toilet seat survives that lot it can stand anything. You in turn should win employee of the month which should allow you to make a large deposit in the bank and not just in the bog.
Good luck.
Dreary. x
PS Can you get me a tenner bag and an eighth of green? :-)