Dear Dreary.
I stand to lose millions of pounds if I don't get some help immediately.
I'm professor of bio chemistry at the University of Upper Millfe and have stumbled across an anti ageing formula that literally knocks 40 years off how you look.
The trouble is I'm 41 yrs old on the inside but since I've applied the ointment I've taken on the appearance of a twelve month old toddler. It's a nightmare. People think I've gone missing, it's in all the papers.
I'm currently in foster care as they think I'm just some random child who's been dumped by his mum.
I can't get to work presently as I can't drive. It's all I can do to crawl around the living room at the moment smelling of breast milk and shit. I suppose there are some perks, my surrogate mum's only 22 and fit as!!
What if someone steals my formulas? I need to find an antidote to reverse the process. Truth is, I'm too young for a chemistry set now.
My wife's already run off with her body pump instructor whilst I lie flat on my back cooing and booing, wondering what to do whilst looking forward to supper.
Please help me, I can make you rich!
Yours,
Professor Tiny Timmy Twickle-Snuggles
BSc. PHD


Ok prof here's the deal.
You tell me where the formula is. I then try it out on some ageing relic, say Bruce Forsth or Terry Wogan, to prove that it works. Next, I pose as your long-lost aunt + kidnap you. You move into my place and work on the antidote. I only wish to be comfortably off and to drive a modest car. This is how you can repay me :
i want you to restore me to how i looked at age twenty one. I also require introductions to the 25 year old Paul Newman and 22 year old Robert Redford in cowboy gear. Oh,and first class train tickets to Bolivia.
Oh, go on then, chuck in the teenage Katherine Ross to even things up. And, if you insist, thirty year old Sacha Distel to sing to us as we trundle around playfully on our bikes before the boys bang my brains out in the barn.
See you soon. Auntie D.