Dear Dreary.
I have always been on the big side but i think i am now in danger of becoming paranoid about my weight. Last year i appeared briefly on the reality tv show Come Whine With Me, singing with my band ''Cartoon Nude''. It is very true what they say, the tv cameras add at least a stone to your weight. When i saw the show I was shocked at how bulky i looked in my favourite tank top and flares and immediately vowed to do something about it. I have tried all types of diets and exercises but cannot shift the weight. In desperation i spent a weekend at an exclusive spa eating nothing but fruit,but still no loss. I am also beginning to wonder if some of their advice is really necessary.
They told me that wrapping myself in clingfilm each day would prevent body heat loss and therefore reduce my appetite. I have stuck with it for two weeks but it is so impractical that i wonder if you could suggest an alternative. Fair enough it doesn’t make eating easy, but changing the wrapping every time i need to remove my underpants is driving me up the wall, and carrying an industrial-sized roll of cling film around with me all the time has given me a bad back and a hernia.
People at work ignore me because of the constant rustling and the fact that i walk like some sort of manic obese mummy. My toilet routine has also taken over my day! I now have a separate mid section from naval to thigh that i can remove when i need to urinate but performing a number two is both uncomfortable and time consuming.
Eating my lunch at work is almost as tricky. Any biscuit crumbs, chips, pizza segments, or chocolate wrappers that i accidently drop become hopelessly wedged and impossible to retrieve until i cut off my extra 'skin' at bedtime. And still i don't lose any weight. I once trussed myself up too tight and within an hour later my extremeties were turning blue, and the other day i fell asleep in front of the fire only to be woken by the stench of melting plastic. My willy looked like a sad little burnt out candle and I'm still picking the hardened blobs off my testicles, which have now taken on the appearance of weird plastic walnuts. I am constantly depressed and I'd stick my head in the oven ,but i'm afraid i'd only look like some giant oven ready turkey.
Please advise.
Cecil B.de Mildew,Lower Tapend,Bath.

Dear Cecil.
My goodness, you do sound like a big boy. In a pop group eh? Sounds to me like you could go 'pop' at any minute carrying on as you are, gorging on all and sundry.
There are plenty of starving people in the world and this could be your time to give something back to society. Why not donate yourself to charity? Enter yourself as a raffle prize. You'd look great as a hog roast at a summer festival or in a giant cooking pot in the jungles of darkest Borneo.
I do think being spit roasted, covered in hot juice and giving everyone a nosh would appeal to your kinky side. Plus, a good stuffing never goes a miss either......
Anyway, I'll send you my leaflet -'big birds are truly grateful'
Dreary. x