Dear Dreary.
I'm managing director of a new adult medieval theme park called Cumalot and was wondering if we could use your column to advertise for staff.
So far we have Lady Muffdiver, a lesbian witch who's only too keen to lower her draw bridge as a gesture of welcome.
In charge of games and outdoor pursuits is our olympic champion, Sir Gay of Jisbourn. According to legend he can 'scale the ramparts other queers cannot breach'.
The George and Dragon tavern is run by Boy George and Ann Robinson whilst the feuding Galahad brothers Noel and Liam battle it out in the jousting arena.
Entertainment is provided by a court jester, a group of wandering minstrels and a dancing bi-polar bear who suffers from depression.
If any of your readers would be interested in a position then please take down their particulars and forward them to Friar F*ck at Bottomley Castle.
Yours,
The Sheriff of Cockingham.


You're welcome sheriff, and thank you for the complimentary tickets for the spit-roast preview evening.
I will be bringing along my twin cousin Abigail if that's ok. I wish you every success. I hope your venture survives longer than the ill-fated American version, Florida's Muffin Island ,which was forced to close last year. Advertised as ''The American Wet Dream'', the island catered for every possible taste and perversion.
My favourite ride was The BIG One, a naked 100-foot vertical drop in the dark onto a waiting twelve-inch dildo. I still have bruises!
I also loved The Big Clipper, an old fashioned wooden roller coaster with a difference: it shaved your private parts on every ascent. Boy was it draughty!
Their downfall, however, started with a failed hygiene inspection of The Log Flume after a complaint about the smell.
Then, Kiddie's Korner hit controversy and the staff became known as the 'peados in the speedos'. I hope you learn from their mistakes.
I wish you good luck.
See you soon.
Dreary.x