Dear Dreary.
I need advice regarding my claim for Incapacity Benefit. I am a self-employed window cleaner but recently suffered a nasty accident at work. The jobcentre won't entertain my claim as they say it was self-inflicted, but i am now desperate as i have no income. What do you think? You see all sorts in my line of work, and one of the major perks, i admit, is the chance to peek into peoples' bedrooms. A couple of weeks ago i was up my ladder at a house that belongs to a rather stunning young lady. I peered through the bedroom blinds and could clearly see her, naked, larking around with what looked like a plastic loofah. 'Those nobbles must be rough on your back in the bath' i remember thinking to myself. I gradually became aware that she had seen me, and that she was making sure that i got to see everything. After a few minutes I suddenly realised that i was now clinging to the ladder with one hand and pleasuring myself with the other, and my pants were now round my ankles. Then, with my nose pressing against the glass, horror upon horror!, the sash window dropped down, trapping my foreskin as it shut. As my screams startled the neighbourhood, i lost my footing and i descended to the bottom clinging on for dear life, my erect meat and swollen veg clattering against each rung as i fell. My condition is worrying to say the least. I have suffered severe phallic bruising, a double hernia, and multiple helmet dinting. My testicles have retreated so far inside me that the doc fears they may never reappear, and my genital area now resembles the blood-stained head of some sort of weird mutilated tortoise peeping out of its battered shell. I won't walk for weeks. Strangely, as i lay amongst the debris, my ravaged member would not subside, and as they carried me to the ambulance, the raised blanket gave the appearance of a tented stretcher. But its certainly gone down now and i shouldn’t imagine it'll ever raise its mangled head again. How can i convince them this was just an accident?
Regards, Fred Dibdab,Clittering By The Sea.
PS: the young lady, by the way, was ever so kind and visited me in hospital. She blames herself entirely and has promised to make it up to me.
The piece of foreskin i left behind was eaten by a passing blackbird.


Dear Fred.
It seams to me that it's every males fantasy to have a job that 'pays as you perv' so to speak. You're not the first and you most certainly won't be the last.
I had a friend who's husband trained to be a gynecologist for obvious reasons, spending his entire working life tinkering under a ladies bonnet.
However, he didn't take in to account Mrs Murray who was more of a bus than a mini.
It was two hours before the fire brigade finally cut him free. His rubber glove and necklace still show up on x-rays to this day.
My uncle worked as an attendant at the local swimming baths. He was caught spying in the female showers by two
lesbians. Put it this way, he rued the day he ever bent down to pick up the soap.
Hope you're soon back on the job.
Dreary. x