Dear Dreary.
I popped around my next door neighbors last night as she was having trouble with her plumbing.
I removed the underlay and furry rug. It was very hard as she hadn't had it up for years.
Pushing the cobwebs aside I peered deep inside her crevice and the smell was appalling!
I could clearly see her leaking appendage and, caught up in the moment I thrust my ratchet deep 'under her stairs' and tweaked it until she moaned with satisfaction at a job well done.
She's now asked me if I want 'paying in kind' and asked me if I'd like the electric blanket putting on for twenty minutes.
Do electric blankets breach health and safety regulations? She's 87 and I wouldn't want to give her a nasty shock!
Yours,
B. Hill.

Dear Mr Hill.
20 minutes is fine either side, though you must remember to turn her regularly to ensure that she doesn’t dry out and crisp up. Hearty basting would be my suggestion, a dry virgin olive oil based composite mixed with peppercorns and tarragon. I can recommend a hand whisked meaty stuffing made out of fatty sausage and mature cheese. Your own would be fine I’m sure. Get the stuffing deep inside the old bird, far enough for the scraggly neck flesh to wobble and the eyes to bulge slightly. Roast evenly to taste, condiments optional.
Remember, the older the bird the greater the cooking time, but beware, as soon as the pinkness has disappeared , withdraw from the heat let the bird rest, poking occasionally to reinvigorate. Have either of you considered our will-writing service? Bon appetito!
Dreary. x