Dear Dreary,
I'm very keen to join the magic circle however I'm not convinced my tricks are up to scratch.
I'm finding it very difficult to keep my wand up long enough to tap the rim of Mr Wilsons titfer and produce anything at all.
I think I need to brush up on my 'saw a person in half' trick as my mum is currently at rest in No.12s wheelie bin at the minute and not due to be put out till Monday.
'Now you see it, now you don't' has caused quite a stir. Apparently, 'dad, I'm doing this in the name of art' is not a legitimate excuse for shagging the Sunday roast.
Have you got Paul Daniels phone number? I've got a pair of Debbie McGees knickers under my pillow.
Yours,
Tommy Drooper.

Dear Tommy.
It is not in anyone's interests for us to pussyfoot around our readers' problems. There is no need to spin this cock and bull story about "tricks" you cannot manage with your "wand". We can cut to the chase here.
Up to 50% of men suffèr erectile difficulties at some point in their lives so there is no stigma involved. Don't, however, expect any of that usual condescending, sympathy claptrap from me. I prefer to face facts. You have failed as a man and will never perform your primary role, to continue the species. Put away the fez, put on the dvd enclosed,"Sister Act Dirty Habits, uncut and Unshaved". If that fails to lift your spirits contact me for delivery of "Thelma And Louise, The Hole Truth" or maybe "Shirley Valentine-Lesbos Nights Unwashed".
If still no movement below decks, ring my helpline and order "St.Trinians, Dildos At The Ready" or "Enid Blyton's Five OnTop, Underneath, And Everywhichway".
If there is still nothing stirring in the undergrowth, then perhaps you were right. Sniff Debbie's knix, tap your wand on the kitchen table, shout IZZYWIZZYGETFUCKINBIZZY and hope for the best.
Have you tried Speedy Scaffolding?
Dreary.x