Dear Dreary.
Please excuse the shaky handwriting, but i am somewhat perplexed. My parish is located in a northern coastal town with a long tradition of fishing. My congregation is largely made up of generations of local fishing families, people who have experienced hardship and tragedy aplenty.
Many a time i have prayed for a family or an individual to find better times or to be spared hardship or maybe even complete destitution. For many years even i began to despair that my calls to our saviour were going unanswered, but suddenly, during harvest festival week, gifts began to appear in the vicarage doorway. Food gifts to be precise, loaves and fishes. 3 loaves, to start with, and 5 fishes.
At first i could'nt believe our luck. I distributed the food amongst the needy in the community and everyone was welcoming and grateful, and Lo! our spirits were lifted. The church was full every sunday and we felt blessed indeed. But gradually events spiralled out of control and so much food was now appearing that i could no longer cope. Where was it all coming from? It was like all our prayers were being answered but were now stuck in an everlasting loop. God's wonders are truly bountiful and gracious, but this particular miracle is getting beyond a joke.
Every night i sit up in vain watching for a secret delivery, yet each morning there it is again! Now i'm fast disappearing under a mountain of rotten, stinking fish, and my shed is crammed with loaves at various stages of decay. The parishioners refuse to eat any more and won't come near the church because of the smell. He is setting me an almighty test of faith! What can i do to stop the miracle happening?
I refuse to slander my lord, but Jesus Christ!! Any suggestions you may have will be respected and appreciated my child.
Rev. Mathew Warburton- Codsniff, Plankton-On-Sea.
PS : do you know anyone who would be interested in a shit load of minging cod and a fuck off vanfull of mouldy bread?

Dear Rev Warburton- Codsniff.
It doesn't take a miracle to understand that living behind Tesco might be the root cause of your problem.
Simply move somewhere else. You'll still be able to shop on line for all your Godly groceries.
They do great deals on hot cross buns and Easter eggs this time of year. You can vary your bread and fishes theme too; fish finger butties one day, crab paste finger rolls the next. They do a lovely sheperds pie and the blood of Christ is on offer at the moment, three for a tenner. I recommend the merlot.
All your Christmas needs are catered for and gone are the days of asking the poor kids to bring a tin of meat balls in at harvest festival.
Miracle grow's on offer too at the moment but I'll talk to you in private about that later.
Heavens above,
Dreary. x

Bless you my child. Your common sense is indeed manna from heaven. And good mannas is everything. Rev W-C.