Dear Dreary.
I'm a very old crocodile and I live with my wife in a river.
I used to watch me dad fighting Tarzan and swallowing Wilder beast from the comfort of the river bank.
Those were the days, when crocs were crocs.
Things have got steadily worse over the years, the old ways giving in to new ones.
My daughter for example always used to say, when she was a child, 'I want to be a handbag when I grow up'! And our Colin always wanted to be shoes. Fortunately, jobs were easier to come by in those days and our kids were lucky and their dreams came true, big time. Colin not only became a pair of shoes but several belts, wallets and a passport holder. Our Christine became a hat box for Liz Taylor.
I've got the photo! Very proud.
Of course, it's very difficult for the grand kids to find work these days. They're all wanting to move into television but with the death of Steve Irwin, Neighbours moving to Ch5 and Home & Away (god only knows) it's impossible to find work.
Is there to be a new Crocodile Dundee movie or perhaps a new Jimmy Nail video?
Yours,
Clifford S Napper.

Dear Cliffy.

Auntie Dreary has passed your enquiry on to me as she's staying over here for the Clam festival. I am sorry to say this but its a simple case of you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Africa has had its day. The future is out here in the Keys. All the Florida sunshine you can manage, and murky yet appealing waters crammed full of tasty  Yankee crayfish, and fat juicy Yanks on lightweight hovercrafts all over the place. I never need to go anywhere a
else to eat my fill. I have also appeared as an extra on "A Place In The Sun", have been offered a lead role in the new Miami Vice movie, (where i get to swallow Danny De Vito whole!), and i have a permanent walk on part on the fairway of the eigjteenth hole at the Florida Masters. This is the life! There is also the prospect of retirement at the new Disney Zoo, where i will feature in the Peter Pan enclosure. Why don't you put in for a transfer and come and join me?

Regards, Ally Gator, Key West.

Dear Dreary.
I wish to make allegations against several seventies rock musicians, the confessions and carry on lot and the porn industry.
I was a groupie in those days and followed all the top bands around in the hope of getting a closer look you might say. Once, Jimmy Poge of Deep Turtle found me hiding naked in his cistern cupboard at a hotel and promptly aroused a member of staff before slapping my buttocks with a dead fish.
Once, on the set of 'Confessions of a Druggy Slapper' I was snorting a line if coke off Robin Askme's knob when suddenly he reached out and touched me just above the knee. It was
disgusting!
On the set of carry on matron I was in the dressing room with some of the other girls having a sexy lesbian orgy when Bernard Braces walked passed, stopped and went Phwoar, looking right at me! The dirty pervert has ruined my life ever since.
During filming 'Spunk Everywhere, Fist Me Without My Pants On' I was being spit roasted by my co-actors when one of the camera men starting filming it for fuck sake! I couldn't believe it! Peeping Tom!!
Anyway, like I said, my life is in tatters now thanks to these dirty molesting bastards!
Give me some compo I'm hard up,
Linda Lovepants.
Paris.

Ah Linda.
Do i detect that familiar sound of an ex-celeb hitting rock bottom? Where have you been for the last 30 years? I take it the money has run out. You can forget the desperate plea for compo. Time to seek employment in the grannie-porn market i'm afraid. Get yourself into the studio and get out those once luscious,fullsome boobies and let em warm your kneecaps; trim the grey goarse from your once tight love lips and get used to the feel of them flapping in the wind. There is a whole new market out there ready to welcome you with open legs. Current hotflix in the 'mature' field include 'Granny Rides Delaney's Donkey', 'Nanphomaniac 2: Anal Bingo', 'Fill My Ageing Dried-up Tunnel Sonny', 'My Gums Await', and 'Flaps Down'. With your reputation you cannot fail. It's a lucrative market and if you employ a good accountant you could receive your pension as well!
Swallow your pride : you'll need the space in your throat. D.


Well I like that!!
You might just as well have put your hand up my skirt as say those derogatory remarks!
You big fat lezza! I'll make sure you never work again!
　

Dear Dreary.
HElP! I believe battery hen farming has been made illegal, but i had to move huts recently and am now being forced to work in a soulless enclosed space that has no natural light or atmosphere.
My closest friend has been sent to slaughter and my new colleagues are boring and unfriendly, and the boss is so incompetent that he hasn't even yet realised that not only am i still to produce my first egg, but that this is because i am actually a cock. Our production levels are to be checked at the end of the month so i can't imagine what will be said.
Those all around me seem happy enough and keep pecking away, apparently happy with their lot. I think though that this could be because they are all either conditioned to be braindead or have no sense of humour whatsoever.
I would love the fox to get in one night and chew their fat irrelevant knecks. Is this my reward for years of loyal service? Maybe it will be for the best if i join my buddy.
I am so unhappy.
Please help me.
Floghorn Cleghorn, Henley.

Dear Cleggy.
A cock like you needs to spread it's wings! You need to get out whilst you can before they realise that you are incapable of laying an egg and they reduce your daily corn allowance.
You need to leave the coup door open leaving your cramped space vulnerable to attack from a wily old fox. He could ravage all the other hens, nick all the eggs causing such a commotion that no one will notice you slipping out the back.
It's time to break out. You decide when and how you like your eggs, not anyone else!
I like mine fertilised, call me?
Dreary. xx