Dear Dreary
I'm very itchy down below and wonder if you could help me. I've tried everything but alas nothing seems to alleviate the problem.
I've tried shaving and wearing loose fit clothing but still the irritation persists.
The stench is unbearable if I'm completely honest and it's very embarrassing when I have visitors 'below decks' so to speak.
I'm constantly dripping wet and am forced to mop up the excess with my hanky.
It's the dirt and greasy deposits in the bowels that's getting to me.
I think some fresh air will do me good.
Thanking you in anticipation of your speedy reply.
Yours,
Able seaman Wiggins,
Chief Engineer,
HMS Repellent.


Dear Wiggins.
Am I correct in assuming that most of your time is spent surrounded by seamen? Fresh air WOULD do you good i'm sure, but what is required here is a fresh approach. Forget the poop deck for a while and allow the ballast tanks time to flush themselves out.
Avoid all possible contact with submariners and restrict your movements to above the water line and given time all should right itself and become ship-shape.
Maybe apply for a transfer to HMS Resolute.
Dreary. x