Dear Dreary.
I have a really unusual skin condition which is both baffling and embarrassing.
Aside from being in the early stages of dementia I suffer from brown, flakey skin deposits on my hands which don't cause me any pain as such, they just smell a bit funny.
To make matters worse I work as a dinner lady at the local comprehensive so my hands are very much on display.
One pupil questioned why I'd sprinkled chocolate on top of his coffee as he didn't order a cappuccino whilst Mr Lovespank, the biology teacher commented that he would have prefered a dusting of sugar on top of his corn flakes as opposed to a more than generous helping of grated nutmeg.
Is there any specialist treatment you could recommend?
Sorry, I'll have to go, I've got an itchy bum again.
Yours,
Gladys Whipp.


My dear Gladys.
You poor thing, there is no need to worry. The government has ring-fenced finance to encourage dementia sufferers back into the workplace as part of their idea to replace the old carers system and to reduce the unemployment figures. This is how it works: instead of paying a full time carer to look after you at home, you go to work but have a locally-based helper you can text at short notice as and when required. The helpers will perform specific menial tasks - in your case, arse-wiping - and are usually students who are behind with their loan repayments or illegal immigrants.
They attend to your basic needs, so as a way of getting the most out of the situation (its also good fun to take the piss out of students!) the more basic the need the better. The scheme best-suited to your requirements is called ''Wipe It Out''. Call my incontinence helpline (option number 2 ) for details.
Dreary. x