Dear Dreary.
My problem is one of etiquette. I met my husband through our committment to the church. We are both church wardens at St.Saviours and so took a righteous approach to our relationship before marriage. The trouble is, my dear Christopher still refuses to share my bed, and we have now been wed 13 years and I am suddenly intrigued as to why. I also wonder about what i've been missing out on all these years. I have gradually come to notice that he no longer leaves the toilet seat up and once every four weeks he seems to become irritable and bad-tempered. He also suddenly seems to struggle to park the car, and he has recently replaced those disgusting y-fronts with some silkier numbers. But how do i approach him after all this time? I am not getting any younger and pleasuring myself once a year is apparently not the norm according to father Xavier. He has proved to be a godsend recently with his tea and sympathy and fascinating tales. He has explained about neanderthal men seeking the warmth and comfort of the nearest cave, and how the velocity of a steam train used
to be dependent on its size and angle of entry into a tunnel. i cannot help but feel i am missing the point, especially with regard to the story about piston engines and pussycats. Should i pursue the matter with my priest.? How do i begin to ask my husband to satisfy my curiosity?
Regards, Felicity Frump, Chalfont St Peterton

Dear Felicity.
I wish to point you towards the Sisters of the Neglected Church Wardens Refuge at Upper-Growler.
Here, you will be shown the ways of The Bad Habits, a notorious gang of nuns.
They'll show you how to pole dance to The Sound of Music. You'll be high on a hill with a lonely goat in no time.
They have a wide selection of adult pamphlets in their Pulpit Fiction library where you can learn such things as how to extinguish a candle and fire a ping pong ball from your Von Trap.
Once a month you get to visit Mother Superior who likes to play nuns on the run. Being chased through the vestry by an old krone with a strap on is the least of your worries!

Dreary. x