Dear Dreary.
I am the Governor of the local prison in the village and am very troubled as I seem to be losing an awful lot of inmates. I can't for the life of me think where they might be and therefore I wonder if you might shed any light on the matter.
All my prisoners are very well behaved and always impeccably dressed. They favour a white, chunky knit, role neck jumper and smoke a pipe.
They're all very religious too, holding daily choir practice in the exercise yard.
Many enjoy tending to their allotments often producing award winning turnips and other seasonal veg. Mind you, we have a mole problem presently. You should see the size of the holes they leave outside the perimeter fence! You could fit a man down there.
Anyway, any suggestions you may have as to where they might have got to would be greatly appreciated.
PS. I don't know if this helps or not but there are an awful lot of strange men walking around the village carrying battered old suitcases dressed in long macs, a silly hat and wearing a fake moustache and glasses. It's probably nothing.
Yours,
Rudolph Vest
Cold Tits Castle.
Little Divett.


Dear Rudi.
You seem to be taking your position a little too seriously. Here's a reality check: yes, you are governor, but merely an employee of The Disney Corporation. You are a second rate Kraut actor in need of a steady job, much like those around you. Disney built Camp Coldtits on the site of the famous casle ten years ago and it has since become a major tourist attraction. Did you not see Robert Vaughan and David McCallum wondering round the village in their cool Yankee uniforms when the place first opened? They're long gone of course, like Richard Attenbrough and Phillip Madoc. The yanks now only employ stereotypical stupid yet impeccably-mannered English actors who bumble round town like they're in a Monty Python sketch or something. None of it is real Fritz ok? It's just people being paid to play out a part. Not understand the concept blockhead? Is this thy there's never been a decent German actor? The prisoners are now SUPPOSED to escape. The war is over. The Boschboys were marched out of Coldtits in disgrace. And - get this - many of your visitors are Jews driving VW's.
So get real Rudi.
You lost again.
Dreary. x