Dear Dreary.I am worried about my son. After being raised on a consistent diet of cakes takeaways & biscuits, my lad is suddenly buying fruit like there's no tomorrow. He constantly trawls all the supermarkets for kiwi, pomegranates, jelly fruit, you name it. But i am becoming suspicious. He has not had a girlfriend for some time, and the other day i noticed a dozen melons in his fridge along with six or seven paw paw. I think he might be using these as a form of release, but where's the pleasure in shouting at a cumquat? I found a pair of under-ripe mangos under his pillow and noticed him eating several prickly pear and then scratching himself all the time. I came across a discarded avocado in the shed that appeared to have a hole drilled in it. Can you suggest a fruit substitute? I can't see my fridge magnets for fruit flies, & we're going through seven bog rolls a day.
Emily Bogtrotter, Staines
　
　
　
　
　
　
Dear Miss Bogtrotter.
Have you not been reading the papers recently? It's been front-page news all week.
Staines Zoo has had to close it's doors as a precaution so as not to traumatise the visiting children.
A somewhat overfed lump of a child has been spotted in the bear enclosure doing all sorts of untold things with his jaffas!
One keeper has gone on long term sick after witnessing him playing with his cream horn and Dudley, the other little bear has moved in with the seals as the site of Bunters plum surprise has put him off his stroke.
Please return Baloo at once before your beastly child gets his party ring out!
Dreary. x