Dear Dreary.
There's so much in the news these days about binge drinking, the harmful effects, the safe amount of units we should all adhere to, the constant bombardment is falling all around us.
Yet I hear nothing about an equally pressing matter, that of binge wanking.
I know for a fact people are at it hand over fist sometimes going at it half cocked and willy nilly. No body appears to be aware or care about the dangers of exceeding their daily/weekly wanking allowance.
The chief medical officer suggests men should not exceed 14 units per week, where one wank equals 2 units. Continuing along a similar vein, women should not exceed 12 units per week where one wank is actually equal to three units.
Under government guide lines it is not recommended to use up all your units in one sitting. Try to spread them out a bit. One a day for a man would be satisfactory whilst one every other day would be a sensible option for the ladies. Statistics have to take into account the 'squirters' amongst us which can use up to double the daily tally.
My problem is this dear Dreary. I'm rather partial to a hand shandy and most days I can manage around five. Spread over a week that's 70 units! My glasses already resemble the bottom of a jam jar and throwing the covers off my bed in a morning is like tearing open a velcro fasten on an anorak.
I can hardly see to grab hold of it these days. I'll soon be needing a Braille tattoo on my dinky so I can find it.
Do you think I've spunked my last?

Yours,
Ian Stiff.

Dear Mr Stiff.
If these figures are accurate i would agree that you are overdoing it. Assuming you are being aroused by yourself and not outside forces, i would suggest that the problem is one of boredom. I will send you my leaflet entitled 'Hands Up!' which gives details of various hobbies you may be interested in.
You may also be eligible for a placement on a government scheme to get lazy self-abusers back into work. Hobbycraft and Hobbies R Us are retail outlets that specifically enable serial tossers to earn a wage and keep themselves busy. This idea, sponsored by Kleenexe, is based on medical reports and is an assessment of both quality and quantity. Ask your doctor for details.
In the meantime i suggest you look at www.cagedhands.com and www.guidedogs.co.uk for emergency advice.
Dreary. x