Dear Dreary.
I'm having real trouble selling my house and wonder if you can help me. It's been on the market since 1981 and no body has been to view.
The front garden is slightly overgrown but if I have prior warning that someone is coming I can direct them in from the bedroom window.
There was a lovely open aspect to the rear. The sewage works has obscured the view a bit but luckily the house has subsided slightly so you can still see the abattoir from a hole in the roof once the smog from the crematorium clears.
Crime isn't an issue, which is a big plus. The streets are protected by the local mafia, certainly as far up as Rippers Alley in the North and Hindley Avenue to the South. I let the mob use the cupboard under the stairs for their weekly 'meeting and beating' sessions.
The house benefits from a conservatory. It actually belongs to next door but they were evicted for growing cannabis. We've removed a fence panel for easy access. Double-glazing comes as standard. The bin bags double up as curtains during the night and I am prepared to leave those in at no extra cost.
The house has a downstairs toilet. The floorboards were so rotten upstairs the whole thing collapsed and the toilet now sits next to the lazy Susan in the hallway.
There are three bedrooms, which are deceptively spacious. They presently sleep 27. The gypsy camp on the square has just been evicted and so I'm putting swampy and his mates up for a night or two.
I'm thinking of getting Kim & Aggie in.
Your help in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Yours,
Ralph Biggs,
Choppers End,
Krippen-on-the-Moor.

Dear ralph.
The housing market is currently depressed and the negative equity position you are in is a common dilemna for owners who want to sell. Your property will always be your main asset so my advice would be to sit out the depression and put all thoughts of selling on hold for a couple of years.
Keynes' generelly-accepted economic theory regarding boom and bust states that the market will start showing shoots of revival within 24 months,so rent rent rent!
If you able to live elsewhere in the short term you will maximise potential rental income. One factor in your favour is that sleeping on a park bench for a couple of years is a step up on your current circumstances, you dirty scumbag dirtbag lowlife wanker.
Who the fuck in their right mind would want to live near you? I could'nt imagine anything worse. No wonder everyone else has moved away. Do the community a favour and fuck off.
Fondest regards,
Dreary. x.
As my next door neighbour I thought you'd be a tad more understanding!
No more free crack for you, cow!!
I've got news for you : your crack gave me crabs