Dear Dreary.
I took my wife's grandmother to the antiques road show the other day where she was valued at over £250,000.
Well, as you can imagine I was delighted and signed her over immediately. The journey home was full of mixed emotions. On the one hand I was a quarter of a million pounds to the good but what do I tell the wife?
Luckily from my point of view there has been a spate of OAP disappearances at road shows up and down the country of late so I kind of suppose I've a legitimate excuse.
If you remember Edna McDougal who was sold at Largs back in July. She went for £450 plus a half bottle of Bells.
Then you may remember there was that poor, unfortunate gentleman who was mistaken for an early Jacobean sideboard at Nateby. They got £70,000 for him. I think he's in storage in Putney at the minute waiting to be shipped out East.
And who could forget Albert Tickle who sold, together with his very rare Windsor Cornet for a wapping 6 shillings in 1903. He's since been stuffed and mounted which is more than he got when he was alive,
It's going to be very upsetting for my wife knowing that grandma has been 'taken'.
But, on a positive note, she will be on permanent display in a glass cabinet outside Ye Olde Knocking Shoppe at Frisby-on-the-Wreake.
Are my fears unfounded?
Yours,
Larry Dripping.
Trumpton. 　
　Dear Larry. Some leopards just never change their spots. The Scrubs' gain is the community's loss. How long have you been out? Two weeks? Three? Your affrontery, as ever, knows no bounds, you never could resist bragging about your victims could you? One day the Columbian police will repatriate your old partner Walter 'Beef' Farmer, and the whole sick story will be exposed.
The Beef-Dripping crimes will create a right old stink. And don't assume you won't be tracked down. I recognised the tell-tale signs immediately so others will as well. Where have you stored the pensioners' bodies this time? In the queue at the post office? In the crowd at Preston North End? Your days are numbered sonny Jim. Expect a knock on the door.
Dreary. x