Dear Dreary,
Can you offer me some solace? I look at it some days and all I see is a sad and limp shell of its former glories. All wrinkled and forlorn, the head of this unloved specimen resembles a melted walnut whip, or, somedays, the cut off nozzle on a tube of bath sealant.
He can also take on the look of a button mushroom and the hairs just seem to drop off nowadays and stick to the settee.
Is there anything you could recommend to perk him up a little? I’ve been attached to him all my life and it has become so unsightly it kills me to stroke him or look him in the eye.
Please help.
Regards, Lucy Lastic.
P.S. My pug is called Harold.
　
Well now,
there are several things you could try to perk him up a bit.
Stroke him at least five times a day. Grab him with both hands and from the head, pull back hard but slowly. This, over time, should iron out the wrinkles lending to a healthy, glossy sheen.
Try walking and let the air get to it. Talk to it, especially whilst waiting to cross the road. Make sure it sits upright close to your leg, nose pointing to the heavens. The tip should be a healthy pink colour and nice and wet.
Burrowing it in dark places is also good for its constitution. Keep a tight hold of him though, he might be sick. Hope this helps,
Dreary. x
P.S.
Does it sleep with the light off? They do tend to roam aimlessly around in the dark, banging in to things and upsetting the natives.
　
I’ve tried strapping it down but it just seems to encourage it. Perhaps it’s those little blue tablets I gave him.

God man, he’ll be up all night. Open the bedroom window and stick hid head out, that should cool him off. Remember to pull it back in before dawn. We don’t want it dribbling on the milkman’s hat.
That’s odd. He originally belonged to the milkman. When he was little he became stuck in an empty bottle of gold top.

Must have been the thick, creamy white texture that……….hang on! How did you manage to get hold of it?

I had to waggle the bottle against the wall. Gave the poor little chap a hell of a fright I can tell you. No damage done though other than a slight nick to the collar.

Mmmm.
Dreary. x