Dear Dreary.
St Valentines is a potentially lethal time of year and my girlfriend and I will most certainly not be celebrating again.
Last year began perfectly.
There was the obligatory mood lighting. The Love Walrus was crooning suggestively from the I-pod docking station whilst rose petals marked the way from the dining table to the box room upstairs, holding promises of bawdy romps and drunken fumblings.
We'd just finished desert, our eyes still transfixed o'er candle flame when there came a sharp 'rat a tat tat' at the front door.
Not expecting anybody I sauntered along the hallway and opened the front door.
I had to look twice. Two naked, fat dwarves stood there in the porch, pissed, wearing some cheap angel wings each holding a bow and arrow set.
The first volley smashed into a vase and a picture on the wall.
As we dived for cover the wife's pussy took the fall force of a sharpened tip. Bleeding deep from her gash she managed to crawl into her basket and lick her wounds.
As soon as Cupid and Stupid fired their last shot I ran for the champagne bottle uncorked it in their general direction and hosed the pair of them out of the house and down the garden path.
Remember, love hurts, at least it did in our house.
Don't let this happen to you!
Lock your doors before you drop your drawers.
Yours,
George & Mildred xx

Thanks for that you two.
As with everything these days, where rumpy is involved Health & Safety has to be at the forefront of your thoughts. I've not heard the one about the door before, but there are many similar sayings out there that act as gentle reminders to take care.
These include: once you're certain close the curtains.
Open the packet and put on the jacket.
Be a cynic and visit the clinic.
Hand stuck in your purse? Call the nurse.
Be a polite little sentry when considering rear entry.
Rub the old man up the wrong way, red helmet at dawn the next day.
No lady lingers for inpolite fingers.
I hope these help your valentines night go with a bang.
Dreary. x
Thankyou so very much. No one wants people looking when the meat in the oven is cooking.

Don’t lose your bottle when going full throttle!
Don't want to look daft when she's riding your shaft!

Indeed.
Dreary. x