Dear Dreary.
You may have heard of my husband, the great British explorer Sir Randolf Fynds. He is rightly considered to be a national hero following several amazing expeditions to the earth's most hazardous extremities. His two recent accounts of his adventures have become bestsellers, and the BBC have now agreed to film both ''Randy Fynds The African Bush'' and the follow up ''Randy Lost Up The Gorge''. There is something, however, that is being kept from the public. During his latest expedition, a project that included inseminating lesbian crocodiles along the banks of the Zambian Limpopo, my darling Randolph contracted a rare strain of elephantiasis. They shipped him straight back to England and he is currently being held in isolation at Whipsnade zoo, undergoing various tests. It is all very upsetting as they will not allow me any direct contact and I have to settle for watching video reports whilst they struggle for a cure. So far they've established that he's suffering from a strain of the disease never previously researched, where the patient is only affected from the waist down.
They've had him testing his new appendage by feeding buns to his keepers and sometimes by hosing down the dirty zoo vehicles. The zoo is currently clearing a wooded area in order to build a petting zoo and under cover of darkness they are using Randolf to move the fallen tree trunks. This is surely not right. Is this how we look after our heroes? The zoo have assured me that such tests are necessary in order to help them fully understand his illness, and that he is helping to save them money in the meantime. But what's next, Billy Smart's circus? We've now been apart for six months, so if and when we are reunited, what can i expect? there are so many questions i need answers to. Can i allow him the house, for example? Will he still function sexually? Will i still be able to accomodate him? Will he ever wear shorts again? I am overcome with anxiety.
Please help.
Lady Fiona Fynds, Fynds Hall,
Fylingdale.


Oh Lady Fynds.
You lucky, lucky gal!!
Your very own elephant man! Looks like it's going to be more 'That'll Hurt' than John Hurt in your case from now on.
I'd certainly be looking into having your vestibule widening to accommodate your new furniture!
We have to face facts I'm afraid. You're going to have a lot of ribbing off people. Ha, past your ribs in Ralphs case!! Sorry. Ahem.
What's your favourite film?
Hurt locker! Sorry love, see what I mean?
First record on your wedding day? Everybody hurts!! Ha ha ha ha, oh my days!!
At least he'll be able to carry you and the presents over the threshold at the same time.
Hey, when you go away on yours hols he'll be able to pack his trunk!!!! Ho ho, fuck me!!!!! I can't breath, ha ha ha!!!!!!
He'll give a whole new meaning to swimming trunks. Aaaaaaarghhh!!
Oh bugger, hee hee hee, I'll call you back................