Dear Dreary.
My cock Hertz, a Bavarian Purple-Head, has been driving me to distraction with his recent antics. I allow him to roam the garden at will as this keeps the hens happy and laying, but since the clocks changed and i started to add knockwurst sausage to his feed he has been letting himself out of the garden gate and basically forcing himself on anyone and anything he encounters. He pounced on the butcher's boy, young Richard last month as he was delivering next door. Gave the lad a nasty turn i can tell you. After the court case the local liar ran the banner headline 'Young Dick's Meat Ravaged By Rampant Cock'. Since then he has taken sweet little frauline Hitzlesperger behind the substation, startled a resting migratory mallard on the village green, and played merry hell with the middle aged chap who was passing the house on his way to a fancy dress party dressed as Carmen Miranda. There was fruit everywhere!
The postman refuses to come to the door since his pecker got pecked, and the milkman is still recovering since the unexpected delivery of two pints of cock sperm into his anus.
Hertz has now also taken to watching Das Danken Schrictly through the kitchen window. It's unbelievable! His favourite is the bloody footballer!
The other morning i opened the coop and there he was crooning away to his harem, togged out in dicky bow and tail and silver cummerbund. The little sod is simply insatiable. Henrieta and her pals are bow-legged, bemused and bewildered and whenever i mention the word 'lay' they go into a frenzy.
Hertz meanwhile is now wearing a snazzy smoking jacket and constantly puffing on a king Edward. He just winks at me like he is planning some horrendous poultry gang bang. What can i do? I'm scared that he'll fill his boots at the upcoming livestock show in Baden-Badenpowell and its weeks since i had an egg for breakfast.
Yours, Albert Z.Glockenschpiel,

　Moenchengladallover.
Dear Albert.
I'm sending you my leaflet on cock control called Cock-a-Doodle-Do. It tells you everything you need to know about handling your cock correctly.
It's full of tips that puts you in control. For instance, just gently stroking your cock two or three times a day will have him stood to attention in no time.
There are several methods we have developed to cater for any eventuality. The Shuttle Cock is a technique used to fire him off in a deep, dark space which is a little treat when he's been a good chap.
The Cock-A-Leaky teaches the handler tissue techniques, whilst Cock-A-Hoop is just one if the many games to keep your cock stimulated.
They say that love Hertz, and you will.
Dreary x