Dear Dreary.
It's a bit of a cheek I know but is there any chance you could plug my new book 'Battles Over Breakfast - World Domination Over A Nice Cup Of Tea'?
It's a little known fact that most of the great, or not so great, military campaigns have been planned over scrambled eggs, kippers and a toasted tea cake.
Napoleons disastrous campaign against the Russians was devised over the morning paper in his dressing gown and cozy toes carpet slippers.
He seized his chance the moment Josephine nipped out to the privy.
He sent a tray of sausages around the teapot to thwart any counter attack from Josephines muffins whilst at the same time making a direct assault on her bacon toasty with twelve boiled eggs and soldiers.
With her plate surrounded by black pudding and a Cumberland ring Napoleon was convinced he had it in the bag.
He did not, however, take into account Josies pet poodle Stalin who leapt onto the table devouring Napoleans armies in an instant.
Later, Adolf devised his invasion of Blighty sat up in bed with a breakfast tray tucking into a hearty helping of German sausage and Austrian smoked cheese.
As Eva nipped out for a quick 'stroodle' Adolf unleashed hell by flicking his baked beans onto her bedside cabinet surrounding her crunchy nut clusters and polluting her teapot.
With victory in his grasp he dropped hid guard. Before he knew what had hit him a rogue packet of chocolate hob nobs appeared from the top drawer and outflanked his bratwurst, causing him to retreat under the bed next to his potty.
Finally, the development of the chemical weapon, agent orange was realised over a plateful of marmalade sandwiches by American scientists.
In his seminal masterpiece, 'Apocalypse Now', Francis Ford Coppala used Micheal Bond, the creator of Paddington Bear as senior consultant on chemical weaponry, condiments and preserves.
When's me book signing?
Yours,
Dick Tater.


Here we go again eh Dick?
I take it that you have done your time on the isolation wing and have access to the outside world once again. Your ideas are, as ever, entertaining and ultimately, i assume, are your way of maintaining interest in your case until you are released and you can publish your memoirs. I do believe however that you have misjudged the amount of public interest. The world may know you as ''the breakfast bomber'', but the public were largely repulsed by your bacon barm attack on the Tate gallery and disgusted by the poached egg fire bomb destruction of the Covent Garden Wetherspoons. Your shredded wheat mortars, packed with alpen and six-inch nails, caused carnage when you targeted them at the M25 Little Chef, so i will do all i can to keep you where you are. You may have destroyed the traditional English breakfast industry, but you have now been sussed my froggy friend. Your plan to introduce the dreaded continental breakfast to the UK has been thwarted. Croissants will never be accepted in blighty. Think again Ricardo.
Dreary. x

Curses.
I'd have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids.
Careful of your next pizza delivery Dreary. It won't be the only six inches to blow off in your face!


Sticks and stones slimeball. I am in contact with a bankrupt former pig farmer on your wing, AKA ''The Barnsley Chopper'' . Be careful not to slip in the shower.