Dear Dreary.
I took up rambling several years ago and it has completely transformed my life. I love the feel of the wind in my hair and the challenge of the open road ahead, and i have met some fascinating and inspiring characters along the way.
I have tramped across the northern rim of the Sahara (sunburnt!), walked the Icelandic coastalway (first degree frostbite), and scaled Kilimanjaro (damned mozzies!). My favourite amble,however, has to be the coast to coast from workington to robin hoods bay. Such a bracing walk! The weather over Shap was invigorating to say the least,the cold northerly blasts freezing the parts other winds don't reach! The warmer valleys on the eastern side of the pennines provided a different kind of problem : midges! The pesky little blighters nibbled away at me for days on end,reducing me at times to a whirling,squirming shambles. Perhaps i should've dressed as a beekeeper! I found that emersing the extremities in mud helped to calm the bites. In the end,the comrarderie of my fellow walkers and the interest and fascination of the general public made the walk worthwhile as always,and when a group of us dropped down into the bay at the climax of the walk we certainly seemed to be the centre of attention as we sat on the sea wall eating our celebratory 99's.I also managed to raise nearly £1000 for my favourite charity the Free N Easy foundation,which sponsors the
disabled and mentally impaired to take part in our society's outdoor activities. We try to treat them equally in all we do. My area of expertise is walking,but we also offer participation in handgliding, free-running, horseriding, waterskiing,climbing.extreme ironing,and even archery,as well as several others.
There is also an introduction to famous english mazes for the visually impaired.
My problem? We are seeking advice on a somewhat delicate matter. During the course of our activities we seem to go through an extraordinary amount of vaseline,mostly down to chaffing and strap burns. Do you know of a cheaper alternative? The club's accounts are taking a battering! Thank you in advance for any suggestions. How would you like to join us sometime? We could change your life forever.
Regards, Bill Brownwhistle,Kirby Stephen,treasurer, Whistle Down The Wind Naturists' Society.


Dear William.
Chafing has been the thorn in the side of every extreme naturist since the dawn of time, from the outer rim to the horn of plenty.
Early literature on extreme punting at Oxford and
Cambridge reveals that enthusiasts would rub linseed oil deep into their shaft so it didn't rot when forced down into the bottom of some murky thoroughfare.
Our distant relations in the extreme, nude, medieval jousting tournaments used to grease their pole with the urine of a soon to be sacrificed witch. This would give them a stiff healthy tip and confidence when whizzing their hard, prickly balls around the head of their opponent.
Branston pickle has been used in the world extreme,
nude cheese and biscuits eating contest whilst goats cheese, smeared around the trossacks aids saddle soreness in the lands end to John o'groats penny farthing race.
I'll send you my leaflet, 'lube in the nude, introducing your index finger' by Pierre Bambino.
Dreary. x

Don't bother! I was involved in ghost-writing that collection of half-truths.
He's just a gay charlatan with a good pair of binoculars.
Frog fag!
Wouldnt last five minutes up Coniston Old Man