Dear Dreary,
I’m an eighty three year old pensioner and I’m thinking of handing myself into the police.
Owing to the recent riots, especially the constant, violent imagery on our tv screens, I feel I have been influenced to such an extent that I have been terrorising the local village where I live.
On Sunday evening I was on my way home on the bus when I rang the bell one stop early, causing the bus to pull into Puddle Lane, which is normally quite unnecessary.
On Monday, on the way out of Mr Peebles Post Office, I moved the sign on the door to ‘closed’ when he was still open. Elsie and Doris had to wait outside, in glorious sunshine, for three minutes until Mrs Peebles spotted the root cause of the problem.
On Tuesday, when Miss Langtry called ‘round for tea with her dog, Nipper, I put out the custard creams instead of the rich tea fingers and hid Nippers favourite toy under a cushion.
Wednesday night there was a beetle drive in the church hall. I had a small sherry during the interval and purposely fell over to reveal my underskirt and bloomers, much to the excitement of Rev. Eccles.
I’m so ashamed, my community is in tatters. I blame ITV! What should I do to put things right?
Alfie Noakes.
　
　
My dear Alf. Try not to worry unduly about your problem. There’s a little of the rebel in all of us. Even I, just last Wednesday, paid for seven items at Asda’s six or less checkout and I once parked in a family only spot at Aldi even though my kids were all at school.
But if you feel a need to be forgiven for your antics there might be a solution. Contact the BBC’s Riot Hotline and ask for the Shop A Celeb department. Here you can anonymously inform the police that you saw Paul McCartney looting a Tesco Express in Tottenham High Road, or that you witnessed Anne Robinson ripping down the shutters at PC World, Ealing, Broadway.
Think of the benefit to the nation if we remove these morons from society. You would be a hero in the village!
Carpe Celebrius.
Seize the Celeb!

Dreary. x　
I’ve just passed Keith Harris shitting in a bin!
　
Hope he doesn’t wipe his arse with the duck! Or rather, I hope he does!