Dear Dreary,
I seem to be obsessed with second rate celebrities. I was sat opposite a pretty girl on the tube the other day. She noticed me looking, then hitched up her skirt and parted her thighs.
I thought at first that I must be mistaken, but no, it was real : Dale Winton’s head was sticking out of her fanny. He was singing ‘What’s New Pussycat?’.
The next day I was at the gym and happened to see a young lady sat on the toilet as she had left the door open. Peering out over the front lip of the loo was the dripping head of Tony Robinson performing the death scene from Hamlet in a range of voices.
Last night was the last straw. I went down on the wife in bed, and there he was : Jim Bowen saying "super, smashing, great".
Should I send back my Skyplus box?
　
　
　
Dear Anon,
These are quite common problems you are experiencing, especially with old boxes.
The Dale Winton is quite easy to fix. Just gently rub some factor 15 between the girls legs and position a shopping trolley below the gusset. Mr Winton should easily be coaxed into the trolley and you can then wheel him to the nearest Waitrosse. Your view of the young ladies clam should be near perfect.
The Tony Robinson is slightly more of a problem.
You might try placing a spade, a metal detector and an old hippy in a silly hat near the rim of the toilet bowl. You should find him scurrying out of one hole into another in no time, beavering away looking for old relics.
Finally, the Jim Bowen is a quite tricky operation.
He’s rather partial to a small prick from the tip of Jocky Wilsons dart.
Try putting your cock in his mouth and dragging him out that way. Be very careful. Explaining this to the kids on the way to the bathroom isn’t easy.
Failing all of that, have you tried Virgin?

Dreary.x