I'm arguably the best ever musician to play in our band, yet, for reasons beyond my control I've been asked to leave and for the life of me I can't think why.
So, I'm a bit of a loose cannon, temperamental, unreliable, dangerous, yet, I'm a musical genius. No one's as good, this band needs me for Christs' sake!
I play the triangle in our local Salvation Army band.
I got my first warning playing Miss Peebodys triangle at Christmas. I told them it was a simple mistake but DNA testing did make it difficult explaining how one of her pubes got lodged behind my left molar.
I was told by the lesbian first cornet that my fingering technique was unusual and shouldn't I be spending more time playing with the percussion section.
I appreciate that playing a rendition of 'my dingaling' with my willy draped over the font on Christmas eve may have been a little thoughtless, but I have to say that the blood of Christ was particularly potent especially when you can get three litres for £2.99 from Happy Shopper.
It's not my fault my mum and dad, Polystyrene and Keith were keen to let me follow in their footsteps.
Yours,
Harvey Moon.
Harvey Harvey Harvey.
A simple readjustment is all that’s required, a new direction for your talent. I have taken the liberty of arranging an audition for you with your local Boys Brigade (subject to the usual police check) where there is a vacancy at ninth piccollo. You need to supply an instrument of sufficient length (this will be measured by Petty Officer Julian Probes), and to have a proven blowing technique.
Finger action is tested once a week after band practice. Due to a lack of showering facilities, this takes place in Commodore Lockhart's weekend bolthole at Happy Mount caravan park. He promises a nice warm towel and muffins in front of the fire if you pass the test.
I am assured that once your instrument expertise is hardened up, you will be given the chance to progress to lead flute or maybe even front bassoon if you stick rigidly to Group Captain Haddock's personal development plan.
Have fun!
Dreary.x
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