Dear Dreary.
I've just been released from prison and wish to make a name for myself in the world of professional golf.
I've been knocked back by several clubs so far but I'm determined to succeed!
Whilst doing time I gained a considerable amount of experience honing my golfing skills.
I would often get a hole in one whilst tee ing off in the shower for example. 18 holes in an afternoon wasn't unusual and stretching back with with my shaft in hand to get my balls out of the rough and stubborn undergrowth was a daily occurrence.
My boyfriend, Farmer Parr, was a constant source of support. If I wasn't over Parr one minute then I'd certainly be under Parr the next.
At parties I was always in charge of 'putting on the green', a fancy way of saying I put the pot in the space cakes.
I've done my birdie!
Help me taste hapenis at the 19th?
Roger Ramjet.

Dear Rog.

By all means follow your instincts with your plan. let's face it,with a 50 % re-offending rate in the UK,what the fuck other options do you have? My colleague in our sports department,Will Eager,tells me that a living can be made on the celebrity pro-am circuit,especially if you can promote yourself as representative of gay/lesbian golfers, i.e. wear garish,brightly-coloured clothing,spike up your hair,get sponsored by Nivea For Men etc etc. There are snatchplay tournaments, mixed threesomes, an annual round Robin competition organised by the Gibb brothers, and many four-ball events for the freakish and disabled. One tip from Will : if up end up in a deep trap be careful not to end up with sand on your balls as this may cost you an extra stroke.

Fore!! D.

ps: are you by any chance related to the great texan lady golfer Fanny Blinkers-Ramjet,the first Indo-Chinese lady pro?