Dear Dreary.
I've just started a new job as a conductor on a bus and quite frankly it's not what I expected.
Non of the people who hop on the number 14 can play an instrument which I find extraordinary. I mean, what are they thinking? I've been conducting for some years now, I'm known locally, yet these heathens sit in front of me, staring like I'm some mad eccentric, in MY orchestra and can't even play a note.
Some oaf rings the bell occasionally but it's hardly Mahler.
I mean, perhaps I'm being too touchy! They all buy a ticket. Perhaps it's me they've come to see! I should go solo!
PS I've received a disciplinary letter from my employer. They said that if I continue waving my magic wand about I could be done for gbh under health and safety and sent back to the loony bin.
Well, I havn't got a 'baton' any more. Some thugish yob snapped it in two and disposed of it.
Could you recommend a reputable gynaecologist?
Yours,
Andre Botty-Jelly.



Dear Andre.
It’s a sad reflection of today's economic climate that over-qualified and gifted employees have to resort to menial jobs. I had a letter recently from Russell Grant who now drives a gritting lorry for Thames Valley Borough Council. He suffers from depression and terrible chaffing in the low temperatures. Les Dennis is working as on a conveyor belt at United Utilities, grading hard stools, and Fatboy Slim is once again obese and works three evenings a week as a ''before'' model for Slimmers World. You've just got to take what you can for now and hope things improve.
As for your baton problem, i will send you my self-extraction pack that i usually send to pregnant women preferring a home birth and butt plug extremists. It consists of three different sized plastic tongs, a floor-mounted mirror, a micro torch (wipe clean),and a free sample of Kirsty Young jelly.
By the way, his she related?
Dreary.x