Dear Dreary.
You may have heard of me. I am a writer and tv producer, and last xmas my controversial new version of Snow White was shown on BBC4. As part of my contract I was allowed to keep the dwarves for my own use. As I got to know and love the little buggers, I decided to re-name them as they proved to be very useful around the house. Young Doofer is kept under the front room coffee table and changes channel on the tv whenever i kick him. Chesty's job is to follow me around the house permanently holding an ashtray. Stumpy spends most of his time outdoors. The kids play cricket with him. He's the wicket. Mongo sits naked and cross-legged on the front door step, scaring away unwanted guests and animals with his glow in the dark knob end. Little Rod is positioned next to the garden pond, pretending to catch fish but sneakily rubbing his tiny appendage in order to deter storks with his perfect aim. Gizmo's role is to maintain and test my extensive range of sex toys and bondage gear. The tiny chap is very bow-legged, bless him. Gecko is, it always seems, just the right height to utilise his delightfully-probing lizard-like tongue. And as for Horse......what can i say? He's a big lad for his size!! He lives in the coal bunker during the week, but i hose him down every friday teatime then strap him to the bed for the weekend. He's always so grateful to get out, and very eager to please. You should see him go. My own pocket-sized human- dynamo strap-on! As you may have already worked out, I even have
an extra one! ( he was the understudy! ). That way i always have a spare. I am concerned though that they all have a little too much spare time on their grubby little hands,and that they may not always earn their keep. Can you or your readers suggest any other uses for my miniature captive helpers?
Love, Ms. Barbara-Taylor Ilkley, Bradford.

Dear Babs.
There's always going to be alarm bells ringing where dwarves are concerned. Like puppies, a dwarf should be for life and not simply a 'must have' accessory that people soon tire of and cast aside. Sadly, dwarves are tossed off quite often and many end up on the street, forced into crime, drugs and even prostitution.
Luckily there are several dwarf rescue schemes in force that take in these neglected little fellows and often succeed in rehabilitating them to rebuild there lives. Some return to the stage and screen. Take little 'Fucker' for example. He's making a fortune as a porn star in an adult remake of The Little Whore House On The Prarie.
'Ginger' has got a leading role in the sex musical F'Annie whilst 'Nasty' and 'Bastard' scare little children at the 'Dungeon' under the Tower at Blackpool.
So Babs, be warned, keep them occupied and don't tire of them. Terrible things can happen tossing a dwarf off.
Have a gang bang once a week to keep things fun and when you tire of their advances simply kick them off the bed and smile to yourself as you watch them trying unsuccessfully to climb back on.
Hi Ho,
Dreary. x