Dear Dreary.
I have a very unusual condition, which is basically going to land me a hefty jail term if I don't seek help immediately.
In my religion we worship Boris, the spider God, and every spider is sacred and must be stroked should we come across one.
Only yesterday I glimpsed one run underneath a policeman's hat. I was cautioned under the public indecency act with stroking a police officer gently under the rim of his helmet.
Whilst on holiday in Bridlington I thought I saw a spider nestling in the gusset of a ladies swimming costume. It soon became obvious that the owner of the costume was not best pleased that I had thrust my hand between her legs. Well, if she had kept 'on top' of her hairy purse in the first place the confusion wouldn't have arisen.
It all came to a head this morning whilst I was making beds at the local old folks home. I caught one scurrying under the quilt and proceeded with caution.
It wasn't the fact that I had nearly caused Miss Blissheart to choke on her kippers that got me the sack.
It was the operation to remove my wedding ring from her small intestine and the unlikely excuse that I had been 'hunting Boris' that practically got me sectioned.
I'm thinking of swapping over to the Beaver Cult instead to be on the safe side. Your thoughts?
Keith Loon,
Drummington-Cum-Seldom.


　
　
　
Dear Keith.
Whilst sympathising with your condition, i have to advise against any form of contact with The Beavers. They are a bristly bunch at best, and have been responsible for the early demise of many a fine young buck. At their demanding worst they will guide you in to an apparent heaven but then spit you out the moment they no longer need you, often turning to an imitation alternative. The answer for you lies in a more pragmatic direction. Your spider dilemma can be solved on the web. www.arachnaphonia.org will supply contact details for a local eradication expert, able to terminate the problem at source.
Simply ring your nearest contact and within hours the little hairy fuckers will be no more. I believe your eradicator is particularly loathsome, and with a doctorate to his name to prove it. Dr. Iolanthe Watson's nickname in the trade is the "manic street bleacher" which says it all really. He will simply wipe out anything in your house that moves. He is also available on a 24 hour helpline. Let me know how you get on.