Dear Dreary.
I am due to give birth to my first child in three weeks or so, and to be honest the whole thing has been a bit of a nightmare. I don't even remember how i got pregnant, and the probable father - a bearded scumbag joiner - buggered off months ago. Yet friends, family, and people everywhere, especially the local vicar, keep insisting that this will be some sort of memorable event and will even give people some sort of new belief. God knows they need that round here, it's a right dump. I'll probably end up giving birth in the friggin train shed surrounded by some of the local teenage animals.
They talk of a bright light and travellers from the east. That'll be the police helicopter tracking them gypos from Millwall.
Still, I'll not be refusing any cool presents they might bring. What am I, stupid or summat?
If I am desperate when my time comes I might creep into the train sheds and have it there. Be a proper Virgin birth.
Anyway Drears, I was wondering if you could suggest a few
names. For a boy I was thinking of Brian.
What do you think?
Love from Mary.


Dear Mary.
It's a pity that the father couldn't have given you a more stable relationship.
I have a friend who lives near your neck of the woods. He's done really well for himself. He runs a local rag called The Northern Star. They call him the Ink Keeper and he's made so much money that he now lives in this wonderful barn conversion on the outskirts of town. I'm sure he could put you up for a few weeks. You'd have to get a taxi, it's quite a way out. I'll give you the number for Ass cabs later.
He lives next door to the Kings. They're a lovely well to do family. You'll probably get some dead good presents off them for the little one.
Brian's not a bad name for a lad. Jesus, you could do a lot worse!
D.

Thanks Dreary, you're a star! Merry Brianmas.