Dear Dreary.
I'm a donkey and have been struggling to find work over Christmas. You may think this odd and that I should be inundated with work at this time of year but sadly not.
I recently auditioned for a production of Little Donkey at The Dreary Lane Theatre but I was knocked back on account of being hung like a horse.
They said I might upset the children.
Things have not always been this dire.
Back in the late seventies I was the inspiration behind 'Beast of Burden' by The Rolling Stones'. Back in the day, before they could afford a van they used to throw all their gear on me and I used to hump them up and down the country. That 's me on the cover of 'Get Yer Ya Yas Out. Charlies' wife never found out. You can see how happy we were back then.
My first big break came when I landed the lead role in 'Two Mules For Sister Sarah'. No one ever found out what happened to the other mule. Shirley McLaine couldn't keep her hands off me, Clint never got a look in.
With the fame came the wealth, the drugs, the girls and the inevitable downward spiral.
I lost everything. I got bits of work here and there most notably as a stunt donkey on 'Animal Farm'.
I've applied for a job at Blackpool giving donkey rides in the hope that I may become a gay icon but it's all up in the air at the moment!
Could you recommend a decent grooming parlour?
Your's
Dick the Donkey.

Dear Dick.
With unemployment come many things. Depression, inertion, self-loathing, and even, in some instances ,some type of self-harm. From what you tell me of your circumstances i can detect classic symptoms of Gallagher's syndrome. This was originated by a Mancunian expert who championed the mind over matter theory, where the mind accepts that efforts need to be made to get back to work but the body simply refuses and seeks a more pleasurable substitute. There is also a more sinister side to the theory, an area of the mind that becomes totally delusional. The Stones' tour? The connection with Charlie's wife? Classic Gallaher's. You'll be telling me next that a globally famous cartoon has been made about your life with your voice dubbed by a famous black American comedian. The remedy, my equine friend, is simple. GET YOUR LAZY FAT MULE ARSE TO THE NEAREST JOB CENTRE AND SORT YOUR SAD FUCKIN LIFE OUT YOU SCUMBAG ASS -ARSE.
Merry Christmas.