Dear Dreary.
I've got myself in a right old pickle and urgently need your help.
I popped along to see my GP last week for a routine check-up. I know my Doctor very well, she's a lovely lady and we get on like a house on fire, or rather we did.
I was just popping my trousers over the back of the chair when she unashamedly asked me if I'd ever had a stroke! Tripping over my words I said that I hadn't but I would most certainly like one and promptly shoved my hand up her frock.
Her scream made me jump and I removed my hand far too quickly, catching a nail on her knicker elastic. Luckily I was in the right place and with a blob of germoline and an Elastoplast I was well on the mend.
Unfortunately Dr Goodbody is pressing charges and I am presently detained at Her Majesty's pleasure.
I've a big job on at the end of the month and wonder if you could bail me out?
Yours,
Santa.


Dear Santa. Funny how events at this time of year ,in your sorry case especially ,bring to mind fables and children’s stories. I am thinking in particular of the boy who cried wolf once too often. Do you not recall why you had reason to contact me just twelve short months ago? That poor child is still traumatized (i was forced to adopt him whilst his parents saw out their sentences for the fully justified assault upon your aroused personage).
And again the previous December, i advised you on that legal issue regarding your good lady Mary that resulted in the innocent verdict. For someone who manages to deliver billions of presents in a single evening how poor your memory appears to be.
I just hope you are still complying with the injunction and that the treatment has cured your penchant for hard seasonal veg.
So i'm afraid this year i find myself unable to help. Que sera sera. I have arranged an announcement on tonight’s news to warn all kiddies to stay in bed a little longer on Xmas morning as your little helpers are short-handed this year, and i have contacted Mary Quantas (queen of shops) to recruit a replacement for your position.
The ad highlights the need to be reliable and dependable.
Perhaps you should take heed of that during your imminent festive break in Pentonville.
Dreary. x