Dear Dreary.
I let myself go a little at New Year. I ended up in A & E having my stomach pumped. Not something i would recommend. Strange thing was, amongst all the gore and vodka was a used condom. I have no idea how it got there, but it had obviously been rather full at some point. Now i am worried. Is it possible for it to reach my stomach by any
method other than via my mouth?
I'm not too well up on these things and i am concerned that i may have lost my virginity in a drunken festive moment, or it could be something to do with my recent trip to Columbia when i fell asleep in the departure lounge and woke up feeling strangely hyperactive. I also seem to have a strange white powdery substance in my stools. Is this coincidence or woodworm?
Please respond.
Phileas Bogg, Walmington On Sea.

Dear Phileas.
It sounds to me like you've had more than your stomach pumped. It was probably a South American trouser snake that burrowed deep in your anus and simply shed it's skin. With a name like yours, your reputation precedes you and every Tom, Dick and Harry, certainly the middle one, will be after a slice of the pie.
Anyone worth his salt is a potential target for these bum bandits. Which probably explains the White powdery substance in your stools. Do you keep your stools in the kitchen? Have you looked for any salty deposits on your Welsh dresser?
Happy New Year,
Dreary. x

Thanks Drears old thing. I will try to curtail my back door activities wherever possible. By the way, my dresser isn't Welsh,he's French. He travels everywhere with me as he has a passport too. X