Dear Dreary.
I had to walk home last night in sub-zero temperatures after my car broke down. I walked for several miles and got seriously cold, at one point having to relieve myself as i walked. When i finally got home, i noticed icicles on my testicles! In a moment's blind panic I stupidly pulled them off. My screams were heard halfway down the street and i passed out. When i woke, i was left with two handfulls of melted ice, mixed with patches of hairy, pimply skin, and a feeling that i had been kicked in the scrotum by the entire field of last years Grand National. When i finally summoned up the courage to glance down at my groin, the damage was obvious. It
looked like two neglected onion sacks, each with a bruised, skinned onion popping out, red and wrinkled in the daylight. Fortunately i had a bag of satsumas in the house, so i tied the ends of the bag to my braces and rigged up a kind a hammock device to prevent the little blighters from making an unscheduled appearance. The ups
hot of it all is my doc recommended a plastic surgeon. After much painful prodding and poking (and, i'm sure, a little giggling), he decided i needed two skin grafts. He said in order to maintain as much sensitivity as possible, the skin would be taken from my neck. The operation went well and the bollocks are now pretty much back to normal. The only problem is that they itch like merry hell, and every other day they become stubbly and require shaving. This is very time consuming and much care is required. My missus won't go anywhere near them until i've shaved so i perform this task regularly, but they are red raw. Can you recommend a suitable soothing lotion? The little bastards are driving me mad.
Yours, Ivan Astibollokich.
"Two Acres", Groin Upon Tweed.

Dear Ivan.
I've seen your missus. You should have got a skin graft from her face, she looks like a hairy bollock!
Mind you, have you seen her stubble? You'd have had to have shaven back to your pubic bone twice daily.
She's a proper ugly cow! I always fancied you at school and you only had eyes for Jennifer Rhino Atkinson, bloody trollop!
Never mind a skin graft,
I'd have kissed them better. I still could if you'd let me? It'd be like kissing that bitch I suppose!
Forget it! May I recommend dipping your testicles in a bag of salt.
Dreary. x