Dear Dreary.
I love horticulture! I spend as much time as i can in my own garden, and i love taking a sneaky peak over the fence! Mr + Mrs Brazen live next door at no. 42. They are naturists.
She struts around starkers caressing her heavily-laden Lupins (Lupi Mammari), and he loves nothing more than letting the summer sunshine light up his red-hot poker (Phallus Circumcisus). This harmless fun doesn't normally bother me - maybe i have just got used to it - but recently things have got a little out of hand. I'm not sure whether I should say something. The other afternoon they had been sunbathing as usual but he then quite openly tried to pollenate her somewhat neglected pink Clematis ('Mysterium Delectium') after hacking his way through her lovely red Burning Bush(plentius pubicus).
They must have seen me watching from the bedroom window,but it didn't stop them, in fact it just seemed to encourage them. He started to rub his plump Hollyhocks (testiculai pimpli), whilst she added a little moisture to her tulips (vulvus flapulus). They then lay down for a few minutes and he appeared to be prodding the grass with his dobber before i noticed his protruberantis wiltis and her weeping love flower.
 As a parting gesture she tasted his sweet pea(aqua vita),and he dried her french orchid (vagium orgasmium) with a dock leaf. During their passionate prodding they accidently disturbed the beehive,and the air was suddenly full of angry bees. They swarmed together to form the words '' DIRTY BASTARDS''. They must have been spelling bees.
Should i move house or ask to join in?
Ms.B.D.Eye, Norfolking Way, The Grumpians.

Dear Ms Eye.
If you want to join in then feel free. The sight of an extra hardy perennial should cultivate much interest at the next cuntry fete!
If, however, it is your desire to stop these up hill gardeners then the first thing to do is cut off their supplies.
Look out for the patch. Not the damp one, the cabbage patch. Steal all the cabbages under cover of darkness and sell them on to crackerjack. You'll soon have a lovely, shiny crackerjack pen to mount over your hearth.
Look for anything else that may sustain their perverted pleasures. Carrots, cucumbers, marrows, turnips. Make sure you empty out his spuds before he does. Very important for you and very impotent for him!
If you follow these simple ruled then they won't be finding any slugs or snail trails in their bed for a very long time!!
Planting his seed should be a thing of the past!
Dreary. x