Dear Dreary.
I would like to pass on a dieting tip to your readers. I know that these suggestions are everywhere at this time of year, but i have been overweight all my life and this method has certainly worked for me. Before Christmas i weighed in at a wopping 25 stone and spent an extended festive period concentrating on what i do best: eating! Biscuits, cakes, mince pies, chocolates, you name it i scoffed it, then washed it all down with gallons of pop and loads of lager.
By New Year i was seriously bloated and could hardly move. Thats when i discovered this great fast way to shed those unwanted pounds. I exploded!! Hey presto! I am suddenly a size 8!
My only piece of advice would be to try to be out of the house when it happens. The repair bill will be huge. Huge globules of flying blubber wrecked my front room, taking out the bay window in an instant. A massive, twisted intestinal mess flew across the room, covering the telly and drowning the dog as he slept in front of the fire.
A stinking, obnoxious tsunami of bile and sewage eventually came to rest halfway up the sideboard, washing away my last seven remaining tins of Roses. A rotten stinking lava flow of half-consumed flotsam swirled round the foot of the stairs rendering the walls as it went, sucking the life out of next door's cat as it sneaked through the catflap to see what was going on, and washed away my pallet of Teatime biccies.Sounds messy eh? Don't worry. The council are coming round to clean up and the BBC's Life Of Grime will be filming it.
Then there's OK magazine, Take A Break, and possibly Brainiac. I'm gonna make a fortune! I can heartily recommend this weightloss programme to your readership. It's made the start of the new year go with a bang!!
Love from Jenny "Five Bellies" Large,
Puddington, West Yorks.

Dear Jenny.
Well done you.
However, i'm not sure the rest of us 'non exploding' types are ready for exploding fatties up and down our high streets. Waiting for a bus is bad enough. But waiting and wondering if Billy Bunter next to you is going to blow before the number 14 arrives is most disconcerting.
Queuing at the supermarket? That's bad enough, I'm sure you'll agree. But what if the till operative explodes all over your chicken fillets? Having Donnas kebabs for tea could mean exactly that!
You lot could do with an alarm fitting to warn the rest of us when you're about to 'lose weight', give us time to take cover.
Ooo, this skirts a bit tight. Must be trapped wind. Hang on!
PARP!!!!
Oh dear. I'll have to go. I need to get a cloth for my assistant and find myself a smaller pair of pants.
Dreary. x