Dear Dreary.
These savages out here are light years behind civilization. They have no idea. I came out here a few months ago to educate these neglected folk on matters to do with sex education, contraception, and childbirth, but it is a thankless task. Some days its like the wild west out there. They sleep around with anything that moves ( including livestock in certain cases; now i know how Buffalo Bill earnt his name ), and don't know the meaning of the word contraception. They simply have no shame. One chap in the town comes from a Sioux family, such is his reputation amongst the womenfolk he is called Dances With Stiff One. He puts it about all over town with the local squaw whores and is (so i'm told) a proper wigwam bam merchant.
I paid him a visit, professionally of course, to check his sexual health, and believe me he is a picture of health down there. Built like a tent pole he is. I tried to demonstrate some pigskin condoms to him but he was too large for them and kept squirting across the teepee.
Even put the fire out. He has to fit a sling underneath his loin cloth to stop himself slipping out and he has several wives, including Walks With Bowlegs, Chuff Like A Bucket, and Insides All Buggered
He insists on riding bareback at all times, so expect more boys named Sioux running round here soon. What can i do to persuade him to cover up?
Doctor Quim, Medicine Woman,Big Horn.

My dear Dr. Quim.
Dances With Stiff One is certainly a handful by what you say and therefore should be handled with great care.
Carpe Phallasium! - Seize The Knob! With both hands in this instance.
Like someone who is trying to lose weight you must begin by reducing his appetite, remove those tasty treats he likes dipping into! Then, he should be left with just the men and the horses. Should he then start running around chasing the men and the horses with his under hammock in full swing then you may need to re address the situation. Dances With Handbags just wouldn't have the same ring to it.
General Custard will laugh his hat off unless of course Handbags gets hold of him!
How!
Dreary. xx