Dear Dreary.
I don't know if your legal team can help me but I seam to have got myself into a bit of a tight spot owing to a terrible misunderstanding. I was arrested and bailed to appear at the local magistrates court charged with bodysnatching.
If I might explain, I was taking my early morning constitutional
when, walking past the old cemetery I happened upon a grave of an old lady. It simply said, 'Here lies Elsie Trimmings, fell asleep..........etc,etc.
FELL ASLEEP!!!
Shit, I was frantic, the poor old bird had dropped off for an afternoon nap and some twisted lunatic took it upon themselves to bury her six feet under in a box!! She'd catch her death!!
I pulled at the earth with my bare hands, digging, deeper and deeper, clawing at the soil till I reached the coffin lid. Without wishing to wake her in case she panicked I asked a passing policeman if he had a screwdriver.
The back of the van was cold and windowless.
It struck me that both the desk sergeant and the psychiatrist weren't taking me seriously. Time's running out for our Elsie.
If any of your readers are missing elderly relatives then I urge them to hurry down to plot 32b, next to the water tap, with a shovel, a blanket, and a mug of cocoa.
Yours,
Terence Stamp.



Dear Terence.
You have my sympathy. There's nothing quite as sad as the pathetic demise of a once loved celeb down on his luck. I recall your work of the seventies with great affection + i admit to having your face above my bed as a teenager, but is this how low you've sunk? My colleague from our entertainment dept, adrian spunk, had already warned me that your latest Sledgehammer horror would bomb horribly, but i never thought that either you or your agent Delia Pudding would resort to such a tacky publicity stunt. And as for '' A Grave Affair - Elsie Lives'' who in the hell thought that one up? Its all quite tawdry Tel boy. Why not get back in touch and we'll try to bring the good times back. I am currently unattached how about you? Forgive my brazen approach but i feel that i can give you a future.
You are one stamp i would love to lick. X