Dear Dreary.
I wish to protest and express my concerns over advertising and trading standards with regard to food products and the damning psychological effects it's having on our children.
As the smoking ban has put cigarettes under the counter, so too should all food.
My son Matham is so traumatised from shopping trips that he spends every night in Holy Counselling with Father Geoffrey Bottoms. He's very thorough and sometimes stays over night in the vestry.
Anyway, it all started a couple of years ago now when our Math came back from the shop with a finger of fudge! Hell and damnation!! A finger of what?? Shield thine eyes oh vulnerable child of God!! Luckily, I managed to wrestle him to the ground and remove the offending finger.
I was forced to go around his friends parents the other month and gave them a gobful from St Trinians chapter 4 of the Holy book.
My beloved son was asked by his friends mother whether or not he preferred a hot sausage or a ham shank for tea. Then, for supper, she invited him for hot crumpet and fish fingers!
She needs locking up! Curse this diseased witch and never let her cold, poisoned breast enter the mouths of our babes.
The final straw came Friday week when our little scamp came home clutching a menu for school dinners the following week.
Having read the blasphemous rantings of Satan himself we beat ourselves with leather straps and pinched each other just under the arm until the pain made us forget what we had just read.
Starters was cock a leakie soup followed by ray knobs in a creamy sauce. Pudding was a cream horn followed by a blue veiny cheese and water biscuits. Oh Christ, Mary and Joseph!
Breakfast is banned in our house aside from a frugal bowl of Quakers.
Co - co pops are racist. Sugar puffs are homophobic and chrunchy nuts are just plain filth.
Anyway, got to go, Father Bottoms has just arrived to cleanse our Matham. He's brought a lovely, homemade cottaging pie and a puff pastry with squirty cream for afters.
Amen.
Jehovah Jones
Well Jehovah, it must be a relief to get all that off your chest! I was seriously tempted not to print this over-zealous nonsense,but in terms of balance it is important that readers are aware of exactly what extreme, moronic thoughts are out there and how we should react to them. Whilst normally a paragon of moderate views, i must admit you have touched a nerve here, and i may be feeling a tad hormonal today. I have therefore been in touch with a contact i have in secret government circles who leads a little-known department affectionaly named 'The Cleansing and Clearance Clan'. They normally remain low-key, but every now and then love to party.They can visit your home in the middle of the night to purge you and your loved ones of all evil thoughts. They travel on horseback and look distinctive in their white hoodies and dressing gowns, and they love nothing better than an old fashioned sing-song and roasting a few spuddies in a roaring fire. You'll find yourself amending your vi
ews in no time at all once you're living in a box behind Argos.
I wish to protest and express my concerns over advertising and trading standards with regard to food products and the damning psychological effects it's having on our children.
As the smoking ban has put cigarettes under the counter, so too should all food.
My son Matham is so traumatised from shopping trips that he spends every night in Holy Counselling with Father Geoffrey Bottoms. He's very thorough and sometimes stays over night in the vestry.
Anyway, it all started a couple of years ago now when our Math came back from the shop with a finger of fudge! Hell and damnation!! A finger of what?? Shield thine eyes oh vulnerable child of God!! Luckily, I managed to wrestle him to the ground and remove the offending finger.
I was forced to go around his friends parents the other month and gave them a gobful from St Trinians chapter 4 of the Holy book.
My beloved son was asked by his friends mother whether or not he preferred a hot sausage or a ham shank for tea. Then, for supper, she invited him for hot crumpet and fish fingers!
She needs locking up! Curse this diseased witch and never let her cold, poisoned breast enter the mouths of our babes.
The final straw came Friday week when our little scamp came home clutching a menu for school dinners the following week.
Having read the blasphemous rantings of Satan himself we beat ourselves with leather straps and pinched each other just under the arm until the pain made us forget what we had just read.
Starters was cock a leakie soup followed by ray knobs in a creamy sauce. Pudding was a cream horn followed by a blue veiny cheese and water biscuits. Oh Christ, Mary and Joseph!
Breakfast is banned in our house aside from a frugal bowl of Quakers.
Co - co pops are racist. Sugar puffs are homophobic and chrunchy nuts are just plain filth.
Anyway, got to go, Father Bottoms has just arrived to cleanse our Matham. He's brought a lovely, homemade cottaging pie and a puff pastry with squirty cream for afters.
Amen.
Jehovah Jones
Well Jehovah, it must be a relief to get all that off your chest! I was seriously tempted not to print this over-zealous nonsense,but in terms of balance it is important that readers are aware of exactly what extreme, moronic thoughts are out there and how we should react to them. Whilst normally a paragon of moderate views, i must admit you have touched a nerve here, and i may be feeling a tad hormonal today. I have therefore been in touch with a contact i have in secret government circles who leads a little-known department affectionaly named 'The Cleansing and Clearance Clan'. They normally remain low-key, but every now and then love to party.They can visit your home in the middle of the night to purge you and your loved ones of all evil thoughts. They travel on horseback and look distinctive in their white hoodies and dressing gowns, and they love nothing better than an old fashioned sing-song and roasting a few spuddies in a roaring fire. You'll find yourself amending your vi
ews in no time at all once you're living in a box behind Argos.
Good luck with the preaching.
Dreary.x
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