Dear Dreary.
I visited the local annual beer festival at the weekend. I had a great time but something is now troubling me. I had arranged to meet a friend but she didnt appear, so i must admit to becoming a little too enthusiastic about the various beers on offer. I started off with a quite innocent Double Top, a tasty, milky stout from the valleys that was well worth a nibble. This really perked me up, there was no stopping me, and I had a sudden hankering for a Wobbly Nob. This was on the fruity side with a salty aroma that reminded me of potted mussels and had a distinctive, clotted aftertaste. (I did have to spit a little away). Next i fancied a Careless Finger. This turned out to be a cheeky, surprising bitter from the famous Wookey Hole brewery of Upper Ticklington. I then sampled a Navel Command (quite watery), a lovely Caribbean offering called Bermuda Triangle (black body, pinkish head), next was a sensitive, shy little number named Lady's Tip (despite several attempts on my part it failed to fully reveal its true self),before i finally slipped into a Fiery Bush, an Aussie chilli beer that promised much relief but only served to make me overheat. I dashed to the loo, and in the nick of time-to a relieved, triumphal groan, the session finally climaxed with a sticky, sweet honey-tasting barley wine called Angel's Purse. After all this excitement i was exhausted and took myself off to bed. A few days later i began to develop an irritating itch down below + a hastily-arranged trip to the local clinic revealed a somewhat embarassing infection. The doc assumed someone had taken advantage of me in my drunken state but he was also concerned about the markings on my ''lady lips''. I did'nt tell him that this had probably been caused by my party trick, which i demonstrated several times at the beer festival. Do you think i could be causing myself long-term damage?
Yours, Screw-top Suzy, Cockerham.

Dear Screw - Top.
As long as you pucker up your lips, flesh them out a bit and practice your fingerings, I see no reason why you shouldn't continue to enjoy pleasuring your lady trumpet. Quiffing or Queefing as it is sometimes known is becoming very popular amongst girls of all ages. Historically, once an embarrassment for a lady to emit a toot from her brass section it is now something to embrace and be proud of, fleshing out those cheeks sending the airwaves dizzy with your involuntary emissions.
It is important to drink plenty of liquids to keep things moist. There are however certain drinks to be avoided in order to preserve the quality of your queef.
Goblins Nosher is certainly one to be avoided as is the Pink Python from the Spit & Swallow Brewery.
Aladdins Cave from The Genies Lamp brewery is another must, however, be careful what you wish for. Too much rubbing can induce unnecessary
dribbling.
Dreary. x

Thanks D. I'm having a quaffle this morning as it happens, just to get over the shock of my favourite singer's sad demise. It has a lovely chocolate texture and called Wrinkly Whitney. It is infused with ganja then brewed in the bath.