Dear Dreary.
I work for The Lands End To John O Groats Company. I'm just turned 17 and you could call me the 'tea boy'. Problem is I'm on my third written warning on account of my punctuality and it's only my third day on the job.
I reported to the Lands End office on Monday morning and was told that Hamish up in John O Groats needed some extra souvenir comedy ginger wigs to flesh out his shop a bit and could I deliver them.
It's 960 miles and takes about nine days by bicycle. It'll take me another week to get there and I've already been summoned back to Lands End for a bollocking for being late.I don't know if I'm coming or going.
What should I do Dreary?
Augustus Windsock.
Sodding Chipbury.
PS sorry for the shit problem. xx


Angus. You're not really helping yourself here are you? jobs are scarce these days so you really neem to be making a bIt more effort. I am sending you a catalogue of cycling accessories that will help you pedal faster. These include a pot of Ferrari red poster paint that you can use to paint 'go faster' stripes down your legs, special edition Sir Chris Foy 'tuck me under' underpants to reduce wind resistance, a slightly larger back wheel that gives the impression that you are permanently cycling downhill, and a 'spaedo' rear view mirror that makes you think that you are being followed by Gary Glitter. These should solve the problem.
Dreary. x