Dear Dreary.
These athletes that fail drug tests. How? How can you fail a drugs test especially when they're supposedly so fit and on top of their game? I don't think they take em between me and you. Even a fat, lazy bastard doesn't fail a drug test if he's off his face enough and a copper asks him to blow in some bag. In fact, he passes with flying colours!
I mean, you give Mr. Bolt say 2 e's, a bag of Billy, four lines of smack, a spliff and ten pints of lager and you're telling me he'd fail? Bollocks!
That's exactly what I had when the rozzers did me for drink driving. I didn't fail on that test, did I fuck!
The only reason they stopped me was because they thought it unusual to find a parked car in Tescos' front window display.
Anyway, me point is that these athletes for all the hype are all pretty shit all things considered. If they can't pass a simple test when they're off their tits!
You should have me and me mates competing if you want some gold medals this summer, we're all proper fucked mate, off our trolleys.
We won't let you down.
Any chance?
Love,
Tony, Chantelle, Chelsea, Damon and Graham.

Dear all.

Here's your chance to do the nation proud! I am sending you details of how to  enter a team into the Chavlympix,the alternative games for scumbags. You can decide between you who enters whch event. There's the Kicking In The Bus Shelter (karate style) event, Burning Down Tesco's (AKA Chavlympix Torching event),the Council Estate Half Mile ( first to run to their mate's flat whilst having both hands down the front of theIr trackie bottoms), Wind up Your Staffie Jump ( running your pet up and down shop escalators whilst carrying 6 cartons of knocked-off fags),and the Scooter Slalem (through the bollards in the precinct being chased by the cops). You have a lot to live up to: GB are current world champions,but unfortunately the existing record holders are all away on an extended 'holiday'.

Good luck!

Dreary. x