Dear Dreary.
Just a simple question: length or girth? As a woman of the world, would you prefer a long poker or a squat stretcher? Banana or avacado? Truncheon or rubber bullet? Stick of celery or half a cucumber? Stick of Blackpool rock or inflatable Blackpool tower? Snooker cue or snooker ball? Megatube of smarties or four-finger kitkat? ''Long John'' vibrator or ''Fat Fred'' butt plug? Twelve inch ruler or jumbo pritt stick? Stick of frozen rhubarb or butter nut squash? My preference? I always think what's the point of being able to measure your tool by plumbline if it's not capable of filling the crack? What do you think? regards, Lubie Lou, 1 Back Alley, Spunky Gorge.


Dear Lubie.
I have to ask, I'm a massive fan! Andy Pandy or Ted? You must have some stories to tell. What went on in that wicker basket after the show I can only imagine. A hot threesome tied up in your puppet strings with Ted at one end and Andy at the other. I bet you knew all the lads from Poguls Wood and Tales From The River Bank? I read that Ted did. Didn't Hammy hamster visit him a lot? 'Traveling by tube'?
Were Bill and Ben really doing Weed on the telly back then? What's the real story behind Muffin the Mule?
Is it true that the Clangers were always off their faces when filming and the Soup Dragon was arrested for supplying the cast and crew with, well, not soup?
So many questions, so little time. You must write a book.
Oh, in answer to your question I like anything especially up the arse.
Dreary. x