Dear Dreary.
With the recent fine weather, and in my capacity as the local crime prevention officer, can i take this opportunity to raise your readers' awareness about the advantages of leaving doors and windows open. It's the perfect way of inviting all and sundry to enter your premises, a virtual plea to come in and ransack and rummage your private areas and assets. What pleasure there is to be had in leaving the back door ever so slghtly ajar whilst lying in wait for any intruders, spread-eagled naked on the bed. What lovely weather for oiling yourself up like a basted plump turkey then letting the succulent breasts sizzle under a hot sun before applying hot moist stuffing in the conservatory. What a fantastic time to make yourself and your house more appealing to voyeurs, peepers, and downright nosey bastards. Imagine if you can, what it would be like to be startled by some fine young masked buck of an intruder, tool in hand, hell-bent on breaking and entering. Or possibly you could attract the attention of the local cat burglar by opening your cat flaps to let in the breeze and allowing him to rifle ypussy. And why miss out on any possibility of being molested by some passing pervert just by closing a downstairs opening? Can you afford to be turning down such opportunities? The chance of being
pinned to the shagpile by a swarthy, sweaty stranger surely shouldn't be rejected? The chance of having your complete insides ravished, your whole being on fire and begging for mercy, bodily fluids mixing on the axminster, the screams of ecstacy floating up through the living room flue. So throw those doors and curtains wide.
And watch out! There's a perv about!
Regards, Inspector Fanny Fettler of the Yard, Dock Green C.I.D.

Oh for fuck sake Inspector Fanny, tell someone who gives a shit! I've got my own agenda at present.
I've not 'oiled the rag' as it were for nearly three months, I'm sure I'm on the turn. I'm delirious with sun stroke after the week end weather and what's more my mother was 'burgled' by the vicar last night after he drunkenly fell through her French windows. My great Aunt Cissy who was staying over watched the whole thing unfold in front if her as she gently 'teased the old bean'!
So, yes inspector TWAT, I'm acutely aware of what happens if you leave your flaps open!
CID???? What about IVF??
piss off!
Love Dreary. x