Dear Dreary.
I think i might need help to get over a recent bout of depression and would appreciate any advice. Nothing ever seems to go right for me. I thought i would cheer myself up by making a special effort to join in the recent celebration of National Fetish Friday,but even this went wrong. I started the day with an old favourite. I painstakingly removed every hair from my genitals,before getting settled down with a megatube of lube,a couple of bulldog clips,and this months Railway Modeller. I slipped on the rubber gloves and swiftly inserted two fingers into the familiar welcoming haven. After a few seconds the burning sensation reminded me that i had used the same gloves the previous day to clean the oven. Fortunately i had a box of assorted lollies in the freezer,and three Zooms later the burning eased. However, i spent the rest of the morning in A & E,having the sticks removed. Undaunted, i ironed my schoolgirl uniform,and positioned myself outside the school gates at lunchtime in the hope that a passing paedo might take an interest. Now,i am a hairy middle-aged man with a bbeer gut. Can you believe some short-sighted teacher came out and manhandled me into school because i was late back after lunch then gave me a detention! I was stuck there and bullied by my classmates till half past three! Some retail therapy was in order,so after a quick change,i hurriedly set off commando style for the town centre.
There's something i've always loved about trying on clothes in shops. I think its the risk of being caught in a state of undress,especially when you accidently leave the curtain slightly open. I always hope that there's a hidden security camera in there. My favourite shop for this is Scope. I think its the musty smell of the clothes and the thought that some dear old granny may have been wearing those knickers when she passed away. I stripped off in the changing room,pulled up the lovely pair of antique silk bloomers nice and snug, then snuck into the next changing to admire myself as this one had a full-length mirror. After pleasing myself for a couple of minutes i sneaked back, only to find that my clothes had been taken by the over-enthusiastic assistant and were now hung out on display! I've never lost a boner so quickly in all my life! I legged it from the shop,snatching a raincoat as i went to restore my dignity,only to trip halfway up the highstreet and be arrested for indecent exposure.
The bloody elastic had gone in the bloomers and they were around my ankles,sad and wrinkled,much like my manhood . So much for National Fetish Friday then. Can you suggest an alternative?
Major Julian Phlange-Bracket,
Muffleby-On-The-Wold,Mold.
Dear Major.
As the summer holiday season fast approaches there are a number of events on throughout the coming months to appeal to everyone.
There's national escape week on at the beginning of July. It's not for everyone but as a military man I imagine it's right up your ally. It gets very congested at this time of year with everyone running away.
Bike thefts are at an all time high and the fancy dress and charity shops pretty much sell out. You can't buy a fake moustache anywhere.
Trains are packed solid and you can't move for gaunt little men wearing floor length leather coats and wire rimmed spectacles.
Hardware stores are sold out within hours. Spades, candles and sewing kits being the much sort after items.
The council wagons are kept busy filling in the holes after numerous tunnel collapses from 'have a go Harrys'.
If this doesn't appeal you could always have a go at national soil yourself week.
Happy holidays!
Dreary. xx