Dear Dreary.
My goldfish is dead. Do you have any idea why he's dead? Regards, John West, Iceland.
PS: I have come up with some bodily cures for boredom. These are useful as everyone has a body. Here they are: draw an imaginary line across your teeth; count your penis,or if you're a girl,your pigtails; place your ear on the bottom of the bath and listen for bath bombs; scrape your elbow with a cheesegrater and leave the skin in there for whoever has cheese next; close one eye then poke it with your finger. What a lovely sense of relief when you remember that it's closed; check your feet for thumbs; go to the toilet pretending you are a teapot; hold your knees to prevent knocking; make your own candle by inserting a finger into an ear,scrape with fingernail,ignite finger; in winter,remove belly button fluff and place between toes for insulation; face east with a mirror to your left. Once the sun rises,check how long it takes your shadow to travel 360 degrees; hold hands with yourself;
whilst knelt in a hot bath,place scrotum in a beaker of cold water then try to masturbate; lie naked on your back and play hoopla with donuts; surprise yourself by suddenly shouting ''Turtle!'' ; stand at a window and remove an item of clothing each time a double decker bus passes. I've been so bored since little Jaws died.

Poor Jaws. RIP little chap. Have you thought of desposing of the body yet? Horrible thought but consideration is necessary I'm afraid.
It can be so expensive too. Can you afford it? A fish burial isn't cheap. Gone are the days when you could just dig a hole in the back garden and job done. Now you have to apply from planning permission for a burial plot in your back garden. A hole at least six foot deep has to be dug for health and safety reasons. Cause of death has to be determined and I'm afraid having him filleted in the back of Teds chippy just won't do these days.
Flushing him down the loo has been banned since the Chinese spoilt it all by flushing Moby and his mates away almost causing our entire sanitary system to grind to a halt. Don't hide him under the floor boards or the patio. Once the rotting stench filters through to the neighbours you'll be on a murder charge pal.
Hope the memories of you and little Jaws were worth it!
Dreary. x