Dear Dreary.
Bear with me on this one. My Alpaca Timothy seems to have a problem. Take him to a vet I hear you say; well i don't think it's as simple as that Dreary. Let me explain. It all started on the day I had decided to go fishing. I was sat on the riverbank, my rod dangling in the reedbeds, when i noticed Timothy doing exactly the same thing from the opposite bank. Then the other day i was merrily minding my own business, taking a dump in the corner of the lower field, when Timmy trundled over and did exactly the same thing. I assumed at first that this was merely a coincidence, but then the following day i was
sunbathing under the old beech tree in the paddock when he also came over, lay back, legs akimbo, luxuriating like myself in the splendour of having the warm sun on his tackle. What surprised me was his ability to masturbate. At least i have hands! But why would he want to copy my actions all the time? Is he just lonely? Can animals have mental health issues? Soon after, i allowed my two favourite ewes, Kylie and Brittany, into the field to graze. Well, to cut a long and messy story short, boys will be boys Dreary! There's no excuse i know, but just let me know if you'd be interested in seeing the photos. I have even discovered that becoming so close to Timothy has inspired me to speak Alpacan and that he and I can hold a conversation! It's brilliant to be able to discuss the previous night's telly with him or what he wants to do at the weekend. By the way, regarding the matter i wrote to you about a while back, you'll no doubt be pleased to know that i am now down to 10 pints of Old Rosie a day, and the doc reckons that the illusions should soon become less frequent and that i may yet avoid the stigma of the psychie ward. What do you think?
Yours, Dr.Doodoodoodedadada-Little, Funny Farm, Pratts Bottom.

Dr Do.
To be honest you're better off sticking to Old Rosie and passing the time of day with your farm yard friends. It beats living in the real world.
When I lived out in India as a child, back in the days of the Raj, I often remember taking granddads 'firewater' down the bottom of the garden where he lived with a family of antelope. I'd spend hours watching them chase each other, talking about the periodic table and hiding from space men.
Then I'd return to the house to go upstairs onto the roof to pass old granny her sour mash bourbon and watch her fly with the vultures discussing amongst other things, crop rotation and the invention of the spinning Jenny.
Beats writing this shit for a living.
Dreary. x

Thanks dear, i was coming to that cmclusion anymay to be honest. Never knew they had antelope in India though. Interesting. Are you sure they were'nt Bombay Onyx?