Dear Dreary.
Forget that Bolt bloke who thinks he's the fastest man alive. My son, Randy's faster than him and not just at running either.
He can lift a packet of penguins off of Tesco shelf and be back in our kitchen in ten seconds flat just as am brewing the tea. If he calls Mr Timpani, the shop keeper turban chops he gets home three seconds faster as Mr T often sets his dog Vesta on him.
He never keeps a girlfriend down. Fastest shag on the estate our Randy. One dip Dick they call him.
He's been joyride champion six years running which we're very proud of. He's only nine.
Anyway, we're giving him the week end off for a party for him as we've just found out he's got his aunty up the spout.
Anyway, he's up for the 400m relay next week passing tellys out of Currys window.
Come and see a true Olimpik champ.
Heather Smalls,
Chertsey

Dear Heather.
Glad to hear little Randy's doing so well for himself.
You and Angelo must be so proud. Is he out yet by the way? You must've been so proud of him becoming the unofficial torchbearer of the London riots last summer. He became the iconic figurehead when he lit that flame and torched DFS, sparking a memorable couple of weeks. The sight of the sweeney doing the steeplechase after him around your estate will linger long in the memory, culminating, sadly, in him being for the high jump. Perhaps he could now focus on Rio 2016 and compete in the heptathlon. This will include such events as the slum marathon, the best grafitti on the jesus statue, the 100 metre beach slap-dash (slapping as many birds' arses as possible),the fastest brazilian waxing of a teenage whore, gang member stab relay, kayaking illegals onto the beach, and the famous 'last man standing' event (partying all night on hardcore drugs whilst injecting your opponent). It will do him good to have an ambition again.
Dreary.